Wednesday, October 1, 2008

tunnel vision?

I am horribly and miserably lonely. If you spend much time with me lately, it's pretty obvious. This is the first time in my life when I haven't had at least a handful of friends around me to spend time with at any time. In Katy, I officially have 2, and I haven't seen either of them in over a month. As much as I enjoy snuggling with Lucie as I fall asleep every night, I hate sleeping alone. 3 years of sleeping next to him will do that, I suppose.

I've been talking to him a lot more lately. Not about us or about the future or anything, but conversations not unlike the ones I have with any of you. We talk about tv shows we've watched, we talk about sports, we talk about the cats, etc. Nothing serious, but still pretty filling conversations. Its details about who we are, and that makes the conversations worthwhile.

This Sunday, the sermon was about improving romance and sex in marriage. This was probably the most painful sermon of the series for me. It would've sucked in an of itself, but the day before, I had a good cry about how ridiculously romantic Denver can be, and the things he's done for the pleasure of my smile. Jen Jen was talking about how she went to see Rent and I ended up down memory lane remembering the amazing "just because I love you" date D took me on the first year we were in Dallas. He told me to get dressed up, took me to dinner, then took me on the train for a surprise. He had secretly bought tickets for us to see Rent together. He'd never seen it but I had and had gone on about how awesome it was. Seriously one of the best nights ever. The guy is good, what can I say? Well, hearing a sermon on romance the next day is pretty tough, especially when you're exhausted and your 5 year olds were horrible that morning. I had to shut down just to get through.

Here's the tunnel vision part.

The only people he's hanging out with (and living with) are other HOB people. He's out and about several nights a week, with HOB people. And then tonight on facebook I saw that he's organizing a charity golf event for an HOB coworker with breast cancer. If I worked at HOB, would he put an ounce of effort into me, too? Is that really the only thing wrong with me? Cuz wow, its starting to look like it on this end. And that feels kind of terrible.