I went to church this morning with April and David. The sermon was from the book of Philippians, aka the book of JOY. Afterward, April looks at me and goes, "Dude, that sermon was so for you." The pastor was talking about how Christians aren't stupid. We aren't hiding our heads in the sand and pretending nothing bad is going on around us. Instead we're just placing our hopes and faith in something bigger than this world and this life.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:1-9
Its so simple and yet its amazingly hard to do. We're in the world but not of it, or at least we try to be. Life is absolutely not what we want it to be. That's because we don't have that kind of wisdom. God does. And His timing is perfect. He orchestrates it all. It does not matter how many tears I cry, how many times I beg and plead. God will not move one second faster to spare me the pain. Not because He doesn't love me or because He enjoys my pain or something. But instead because He loves me SO MUCH. He's shaping and molding me. Life isn't about what I want or what will make me happy. It is about the pure joy that comes from my relationship with Him. It is the peace that fills me when I whisper His name.
When I feel abandoned and rejected and broken, He won't necessarily end it. Its lessons I need. I have done and will continue to do everything that I can to be a Godly wife. I love my husband. I believe in my vows. My pastor a few weeks ago said that a popular misconception of marriage is that its a 50/50 thing. It's not. Its a 100/? thing. You have to give 100% on the condition that the other person may give you nothing. Its not give to get. Its give to give. That's EXACTLY what I'm doing. I am still his, 100% and he is mine about .00000000000000001% But that's just how it is. Maybe God has plans to make it better and different. Maybe He doesn't. In the meantime, I have to start every day with the intention of living faithfully to the man I committed myself to, loving and praying for him, regardless of the choices he's making. I didn't get married to make myself happy. And I don't want to stay married to be happy. Yes, he makes me happy (obviously not all the time...). Yes I love being around him and the man he's been and can be. Fortunately, God has blessed me with a heart that is capable of unconditional love. It doesn't matter what he does. I cannot love him less. I have tried. I have begged God to make me love him less. And instead I love him more. I love the creases of his eyes. I love the freckle on his lip. I love the lint in his belly button. I love the pain in his heart. I love the confusion in his head. I'm not looking for perfect. There is nothing he had or can do that is unforgivable to me. Its just a matter of getting to the point where forgiveness is warranted.
I'm going to rejoice in the Lord. I'm going to do what is right and pure - I'm going to love my husband and honor my vows expecting nothing in return. I'm going to fill my heart with thanksgiving - that God blessed me with a man to love so much. I'm going to pray without ceasing - for God's will and for the patience to live in His timing. I have learned to have faith, to trust in God, and to be patient. I'm putting it into practice as best as I can, and so the peace of God is in me.