Thursday, June 26, 2008

All I need is a miracle...

If anyone has a few days in July (not weekends, thanks to my job) and can go to Dallas and help me put my life in boxes and help me cry, I'd appreciate it.

In one of the most immature moves of our lifetime, Denver chose facebook chat as his means of communication to tell me that I don't care about his needs and wants, he absolutely just does not want to be married and "ITS OVER."

That was followed with a severe panic attack, hysertical crying, and poor mom and Katy trying desperately to calm me down enough to take a double dose of my anti-anxiety pills. Once they kicked in, I took 4 ambien, told God how mad I am at Him, and fell asleep.

"Did it really happen?" *Miranda nods* Maybe one of the girls will crap her pants at the river this weekend and that'll help me feel a little better.

A huge portion of me has just died. We were cleaved together as 1 flesh. And that flesh has been butchered.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

just like the moon

I am having such a God-filled day, and it feels unbelievably good.

I just spent a wonderful 2 hours with the care pastor from my church. I had spoken with her shortly after my arrival in Katy, because I had submitted a prayer request, but it was a quick phone call mostly of her offering help and me declining it. I wasn't going to be here that long, remember? I wonder how things would be different if I had let her in back then... hindsight. Anyway, the point is she is wonderful (Katy, you were right, as per usual), and I feel renewed for the next round of the this fight. She's provided me with some help, and she's reaching out to D with some things, too. God is good, all the time.

I did get little bit of a late start today, so I saved my devotional readings for when I got home. Excellent decision. I'd like to share it with you.

"In college I was required to take an astronomy course. We learned about comets, stars, and galaxies, but my favorite part of the course was the section about the moon. It was fascinating to discover the reason for the craters, the phases of the moon, and its influence on the earth. I love being able to look at the moon through a telescope and see its beauty magnified. I feel so close to God, and I marvel at the beauty and harmony of creation.

The phase of the moon that amazes me the most is the new moon. This occurs when the earth is between the sun and the moon, casting a shadow on the moon. Although we are unable to see the moon while it is in this phase, we know that it is still there.

This constant presence reminds me that God will always be with us. Whether life's struggles cast a shadow on His presence or the clear skies illuminate it, God's promise to be with us overwhelmingly abounds. Its comforting to know that in a culture where seeing means believing, God transcends all proof and allows trust and faith to flourish.

To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see. -Hebrews 11:1"

Pretty awesome, huh? I think that reading that after I had been filled at my meeting really helped me get more from it. Faith and Hope are my weapons in the fight, so God strengthens and replenishes them for me in the coolest ways.

Basically, I was wrong. He's not still hiding His face from me. It's just a shadow. It's just like the moon.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Happy Birthday

Today was D's 29th birthday. I mailed him a real card, I texted him at exactly midnight, I sent him an e-card, and I said happy birthday when I called him after church. He didn't acknowledge any of these gestures. It's hard because I am such a birthday person, ESPECIALLY when it comes to family. Its not about how much money gets spent, it's all about gestures.

He's been borderline mean ever since our spat on Tuesday. He's really determined that our marriage is over, and I'm really determined that it's not. I saw a bumper sticker on facebook that said, "Never stop fighting for the person you can't go a day without thinking about." I know it's not right for him to be a jerk to me, and I know that I deserve to be happy and be with someone who loves me as much as I love him. Wouldn't it be awesome if marriage really worked like that, where you were happy all the time? The bottom line is that D has been there for me when things have been down and dirty and the average man would've run. And he did those things before there was a ring on my finger. I'm waiting for him to remember when I tried to break up with him during Hurricane Ivan. I decided that I didn't want to get involved with another guy (thanks to my history with the military) who had to cancel plans with me because of his job. That lasted for less than 12 hours. There were tears on both sides, and he told me that he didn't want to imagine his life without me in it. Now it's my turn to feel that way and fight.

This morning, I was praying that for D's birthday, God would bless him with the gift of a Christ shaped slap in the face. I don't think God works like that, but it never hurts to ask.

I have a meeting with the care pastor at church on Tuesday. She's so cute. I emailed her about a small group I'm interesting in joining and told her a little bit about my situation. She sent me the sweetest response and was like, "You need to come in and meet with me. We need to set up a care plan for you." The small group is new, and we're having our first meeting this week. It's for people in "extra grace required" marriages. Who knows how long I'll be in one, but for now, I'm looking forward to spending time with other people who feel the same hurts that I do, praying with them, and just feeling God hold us.

Next weekend should hold more fun, as Kacie and I are carpooling to New Braunfels to go tubing with a bunch of our girlfriends for our friend Michelle's bachelorette party. I can't wait. I'm thinking that this is going to be an extremely emotional week, so I'll really need that release when all is said and done.

A theme in my devotionals and scripture readings this week has been God's time vs. our time. I'm struggling with that, too. I feel such an urgency, and I try to remind myself that first of all, it's God's battle, not mine and that second, His time is not my time and He's never late. Maybe that's why I asked God to give D such a cool birthday gift... or maybe I just miss how I feel in his arms, because I fit perfectly in them. :o(

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Where are the oranges?!

OBVIOUSLY, I need more fun in my life. Mission: accomplished.

I finished my tasting at 5 on Friday and gave Kacie a ring. She and I decided that it was time for her to go out for drinks in Houston. She's 23 for cryin' out loud! Zack was headed to Austin for a weekend with Sarah, Rosie was working, but Kevin was game. Our first obstacle was selecting an establishment. If you know me and/or Kacie, you know what an ordeal that was. We are not decisive people. After several hours and a spaghetti dinner (for her, with her parents), we googled. We decided on a decidedly cheesey-seeming place called Uncle Albert's.

Kacie arrived first and informed me (from her car in the packed parking lot) that it looked "like a lot of older people." I tell her that it'll be fine and meet up with her in the parking lot. We go inside (Kevin was meeting us a little later) and get settled with a pitcher of Blue Moon and NO ORANGES. Seriously?! Why are you going to have Blue Moon on tap and NOT have oranges? Ridiculous. We decided that the offense wasn't a deal breaker and found a table, with no stools of course. Within 5 minutes, we had been sent a round of shots. We knew it was going to be a great night.

When we'd been there for 15-20 minutes, I was accosted. Kacie and I were having a conversation when all of a sudden, there was an older guy (well into his 50's) grabbing me on my right side and attempting some sort of dancing. That was just funny. Then he kissed my ear and gave me the heebeegeebee's somethin' fierce. Turns out, his name is Richard and he has something to do with the cover band that was playing. He provided us with several more highlights.

Kevin arrived just in time and saved us from an uncomfortable moment with Richard. Not for long, though. A slow song started and Richard grabbed Kacie's hand and informed her they were going to go dance. She attempted to protest, but this was hilarious so we didn't help her. Instead, because we're such good friends, we watched the train wreck and tried not to pee our pants because we were laughing so hard. When she finally returned, we laughed even harder. First of all, he tried to throw some salsa dancing in there. To finish the song, he dipped her and kissed her neck. Kevin darted to the men's room at that point because he wasn't sure he could hold it any more.

Being a crowd worker, Richard decided to try to work his Casanova moves on his own demographic and moved on to some older women at the bar. He took one to dance, then came back and was attempting to schmooze another when we heard a crash and looked over and saw Richard and a barstool on the floor. MAN DOWN! Turns out he's not smooth in any way, shape, or form because he fell off the barstool. We didn't see much of him after that.

We did, however, see a group of women who were publicly entirely too good of friends. When you're at a bar, and you're quite obviously nearing (or have passed) 40, do not do a "group back massage" with your friends. It's weird. But it does make us giggle.

We ended up with a fan club for Kacie. The guy who sent us the first round of shots came over to make friends with us. He's now head over heels in love with Kacie. He and his friends began buying us (Kevin included) rounds of shots and even provided a pitcher of beer. Our table was pretty much the only group under 35 in the who place. SWEET!

A few constants that entertained us for, ya know, the duration.

1. Apparently, Chuy's isn't the only place where the special on Friday's is fish tacos. We all know what a sausage fest is, so naturally when its all females dancing with each other, it's a Fish Taco Fiesta.

2. At the bar about 10 feet from our table, there was a fantastic people watching scene. It was a couple, probably in their early 40's. The man had a GLORIOUS mullet. It was like Kevin in the front, Kacie in the back. Oh, and he just happened to weigh probably 350 pounds. The lady had better hair, but she turned out to be infinitely more entertaining. Despite her age and "round" stature, she fancied herself quite the sexy dancer. She gyrated and shook it and generally got down with her bad self. These 2 entertained us for hours.

All in all, it was the stuff that dreams are made of. It was a lot like old times, and we all really needed to just get loose and get silly. And just imagine how much more fun we'll have when Rosie and Zack start coming out to play with us.

I so love my friends.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

drama free post!

Yesterday was a decidedly crappy day (thanks to an unpleasant argument with Denver about when I'd be moving the rest of my things out) so I was pretty excited about my dinner date with an old friend.

My buddy Zack (who lovingly allows me to call him Zackybooboo despite the fact that he is a grown man) has just moved to Houston to start his new job. It's been hectic, since he graduated less than a month ago, went to Europe, and had a week between getting back and starting his new job. Zack and I go way back. We met his freshman year (my 4th year) in Longhorn Band at THE University of Texas. He was in my brother fraternity and his amazing girlfriend Sarah is one of my sorority sisters. On top of all that, he's just an all around awesome guy.

Here's what we learned on our dinner outing: Karaoke brings out the super weird in people. And karaoke at Applebee's doesn't bring out the big talent. It does, however, bring out a black guy dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow attempting to strum an inflatable guitar while BUTCHERING "Hey There Delilah". We cracked jokes at his expense. I mean, isn't that the American way?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Where is my happy ending?

(this is a long one)

First of all, I'm pretty amazed at the first comments I got. I didn't really expect anyone to read this (well, other than my SIL because I read hers and she's like that) and I was blown away. I've been pretty quiet about what's been going on because, well, it's painful and embarassing. No one wants to feel rejected or like a failure, so it's not something that you want people to know. God is good, all the time, and I have to admit that reading those comments totally teared me up. He is my rock, but He's put amazing people in my life to give me more tangible support. It helps so so so much.

So here's what was swimming around me when I initially felt like it was time to start a blog.

To set this up, the love story. I met D in the most unromantic way possible, about 4 years ago. I drunk dialed him. That's right. Drunk dial. He had become friends with a good friend of mine via a summer internship in Pensacola (the friend was the intern, D was an employee at the radio station). After the first phone call, we talked and IMed every day for a month before we met in person. We were both hooked from the first minute. 4 months later, we were engaged, 5 months later, he had moved from Pensacola and into my house in Austin. A year and a half after our initial meeting, we were married. Pretty whirlwind, but perfect. He came from a very non-religious home of technically Jewish people, and I came from a background of being, well, a Bible Thumper. I'd loosened up some, but my faith has always been very deep. A few months before we got married, God seemed to give me His final blessing and assurance that D was in fact The One (my meant to be, the one He had created me for and vice versa) in the form of D deciding to accept Jesus as his personal lord and savior. It was one of the best moments of my life.

We've been through ups and downs, and D's struggled with the idea of marriage off and on since before we were married. At the end of the day, our love for each other has been enough to push down his doubts and keep our marriage together. It's not a fairy tale, and there's a reason you say "For better or for worse" in your vows. Since we've been together, we've been through A LOT. We've been through hurricanes, moving cities, deaths, surgeries, job changes, and a slew of other trials. But like I said, "for better or for worse."

In January, my whole world started to fall apart. I lost my job, Denver's sister moved in with us (she took a semester off of college to do an internship in Dallas), and things were getting a little tense. We had a huge fight one night in mid-February, and last thread holding the bottom in snapped and it completely fell out. D announced that he was miserable and couldn't do it anymore. He wanted to not be married anymore. Oh, and he was now an atheiest. So on February 13th, I packed up some stuff and came back to my parents' house in Katy, totally expecting to move back in 6 weeks, tops.

It's been 4 months, 4 visits, and 3 sessions of couples' counseling and, well, my prayers feel unanswered. Every time I've felt like it was time to give up and move on, God has filled me and told me not to. Sometimes, its through scripture. Sometimes, it's a song on the radio. Sometimes, it's in a book I'm reading at the time ("When He Doesn't Believe" by Nancy Kennedy is AMAZING). And then still other times, it's been in the sermon on Sunday. My hope is firmly planted in God. Things felt like maybe they were starting to look up. We've been talking a lot more, and when we see each other, we're affectionate. Being with him feels so natural and so right.

Unfortunately, it got worse. In one of the absolutely most painful moments of my life, I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. I felt like the visits had been going well, and obviously we were still behaving as man and wife, and so when the first signs of a pregnancy showed up, I was terrified but ridiculously excited. I'd just gotten the best lab results ever from my endocrinologist, and I've had baby fever for years, so this was amazing to me, despite the horrible timing. But the excitement was short lived when it turned to excruciating physical pain and the deepest sadness you can imagine. I got to go through it totally by myself.

5 days after I miscarried, D came down for a counseling session. I had a bad feeling about it, but I tried to write it off as just my hormones being messed up and the pain of the week. I was totally right to have that bad feeling. D had come prepared to lay down the law, that he was done, he didn't want this anymore, and he didn't even want to have the same address as me any more. That's a hard blow, and even harder on top of the first big loss of the week (which he was unaware of until after he dropped his bomb). I'm pretty numb.

So that leads me to the part that really pushed me into a blog. In church yesterday, the pastor took some time in the sermon to address the "divorce epidemic" that's going on right now. I love that I've felt very prayed for and supported by this church (which just happens to be the one I got married in), as well as the fact that almost every week there's a community prayer for strength in marriages, especially marriages that are hurting. This time was different. This time is was like a horrible stab to my heart. He began talking about the divorce epidemic and how easy it seems to be for people in today's world to just disregard their vows. He chastized spouses who want to leave and told them to just stop it. I have to hope that his words convicted at least one, because they broke me. What about the one who's being left? I'm clinging to my vows desperately, praying unceasingly for God to make this right, for the opportunity to continue to honor Him by honoring my husband. But divorce is still a sin as far as I'm concerned (yes, I've read the scriptures where it's acceptable in God's eyes, but I'm not really convinced we fit into any of those situations) and ending our marriage just doesn't feel right.

I've watched God faithfully provide for my loved ones. I've watched Him answer prayer after prayer. And mine go unanswered. It doesn't hurt my faith, because I can obviously see God working around me. But I start to feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm asking the wrong questions, like I'm not faithful enough, that I'm somehow just not ENOUGH for God to complete the good work He began here.

"Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth and you shall not remember the reproach of your widowhood any more. For your Maker is your Husband - the Lord of hosts is His name - and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called. For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit, and heartsore - even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when she is [later] refused and scorned, says your God. For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion and mercy I will gather you [to Me] again. In a little burst of wrath I hid my face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer. For this is like the days of Noah to me; as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you or rebuke you. For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall my covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:4-10

I'm not convinced that His face isn't still hiding from me right now.

aaaand it starts.

My SIL has 2 blogs that I read regularly, as do several other people, and this morning in church I felt the urge to start one of my own. God was filling me with about a million things and I just wanted to get them out. Ever feel like you just have to talk about something but then you don't know who to call? Most of the time that's a sign that it's time to pray, but what happens when you pray and pray and you still feel like you didn't get it all out? Well, you blog!

I love the internet.

My intent is to, well, get it all out! I want to talk about what God's doing in my life or the lessons He's teaching me. Sometimes, I want to just share my blessings, which are more often than not found in the small and simple things in my life. Other times, I'm sad/frustrated/angry/etc.

A little overview, in case you didn't already know...

I'm 26 and back in my parents' house. Not because I want to, oh no, but because my husband of 2 years has decided that he "just isn't meant for marriage". He's in Dallas with our cats, wanting a divorce, and I'm in Houston praying about it. Please feel free to pray for us, too. I work very part time as a promotions rep for mostly wines. I also have Type 1 Diabetes, so every so often you'll see a post or blurb about that. My life is very much a day by day thing right now, full of ups and downs, and moments (good and bad) that deepen my relationship with Jesus.