Sunday, June 22, 2008

Happy Birthday

Today was D's 29th birthday. I mailed him a real card, I texted him at exactly midnight, I sent him an e-card, and I said happy birthday when I called him after church. He didn't acknowledge any of these gestures. It's hard because I am such a birthday person, ESPECIALLY when it comes to family. Its not about how much money gets spent, it's all about gestures.

He's been borderline mean ever since our spat on Tuesday. He's really determined that our marriage is over, and I'm really determined that it's not. I saw a bumper sticker on facebook that said, "Never stop fighting for the person you can't go a day without thinking about." I know it's not right for him to be a jerk to me, and I know that I deserve to be happy and be with someone who loves me as much as I love him. Wouldn't it be awesome if marriage really worked like that, where you were happy all the time? The bottom line is that D has been there for me when things have been down and dirty and the average man would've run. And he did those things before there was a ring on my finger. I'm waiting for him to remember when I tried to break up with him during Hurricane Ivan. I decided that I didn't want to get involved with another guy (thanks to my history with the military) who had to cancel plans with me because of his job. That lasted for less than 12 hours. There were tears on both sides, and he told me that he didn't want to imagine his life without me in it. Now it's my turn to feel that way and fight.

This morning, I was praying that for D's birthday, God would bless him with the gift of a Christ shaped slap in the face. I don't think God works like that, but it never hurts to ask.

I have a meeting with the care pastor at church on Tuesday. She's so cute. I emailed her about a small group I'm interesting in joining and told her a little bit about my situation. She sent me the sweetest response and was like, "You need to come in and meet with me. We need to set up a care plan for you." The small group is new, and we're having our first meeting this week. It's for people in "extra grace required" marriages. Who knows how long I'll be in one, but for now, I'm looking forward to spending time with other people who feel the same hurts that I do, praying with them, and just feeling God hold us.

Next weekend should hold more fun, as Kacie and I are carpooling to New Braunfels to go tubing with a bunch of our girlfriends for our friend Michelle's bachelorette party. I can't wait. I'm thinking that this is going to be an extremely emotional week, so I'll really need that release when all is said and done.

A theme in my devotionals and scripture readings this week has been God's time vs. our time. I'm struggling with that, too. I feel such an urgency, and I try to remind myself that first of all, it's God's battle, not mine and that second, His time is not my time and He's never late. Maybe that's why I asked God to give D such a cool birthday gift... or maybe I just miss how I feel in his arms, because I fit perfectly in them. :o(

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