Thursday, July 31, 2008

kids say the darndest things!

There's pros and cons to having such a close family...

Pro- My cousins are very supportive and always there for me to lend an ear or cheer me up. Plus I can babysit.

Con- the following story.

So, I'm watching Dallas, Monica, and Charissa, 3 of my cousins' kids. I was going to the restroom when Rissa starts hollering that Monica hurt herself. I hurry out, and the 2 of them are standing there, looking guilty. Then Rissa busts out with, "How did your husband hurt you?" Um, what? "I heard that you and your husband broke up because he hurt you. What did he do?" "Well, first of all, y'all are 6. Secondly, he hurt my FEELINGS, not like hit me or hurt my body. And that's all you get to know because like I said, you're 6."

Sometimes, you just gotta laugh. I mean, they totally understand splits because Monica's parents divorced last summer. They're just curious. And if they weren't so stinkin' cute...

so ready.

I am fired up for this weekend most of the year. It may not seem like much, but it's always so much fun and awesomeness. It's the weekend we go to Ray's lakehouse for his birthday. I miss my friends a lot, so this is an even bigger deal since I moved away from Austin a few years ago.

I'm heading out this afternoon and making a pitstop in Austin for some special Cobb time (Eryn, get ready!!) then heading the rest of the way to Lake LBJ tonight.

I have to head home a little early, meaning Saturday instead of Sunday, but for a good reason. This week is promotion Sunday!! Its my first day as a legitimate Sunday school teacher! I'm so ready. YES.

Basically, this weekend is guaranteed to rock my face off. BRING IT.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

the world is just awesome.

I really like the Discovery Channel. I like Deadliest Catch. I like Dirty Jobs. I like A Haunting. I like Mythbusters. I don't like that breaking in show or verminators, but hey, not everything is a homerun.

That being said, it's the greatest week on Discovery: SHARK WEEK.

I freakin' love 'em. I like watching them eat fish. I like when Great Whites jump out of the water. I like when idiots swim with them. They're big and creepy and scare the beegeezus out of me, but I love watching shows about them.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Move: complete

WOW. What a roller coaster of emotion and ridiculous the past week or so has been. God is good, all the time. He provided for me for every single need that arose, and I am blessed beyond belief. That being said, here's the play-by-play.

The adventure began around 7am Sunday morning. Mom and I had obtained a trunkful of boxes from Walmart Saturday night, and got almost everything (we needed toothbrushes, toothpaste, and deoderant for Sunday morning) loaded into the car before bed. We were on the road by 7:30, and hit Shipley's for kolaches and coffee. We were at my uncle's place by about 7:50 because he had asked to hitch a ride with us to my aunt's place in Duncanville. Now, that's about 30-45 minutes southwest of my apartment, but family is family, and you do what you gotta do. 8am, we were for real on the road.
Because Duncanville is closer to I-35 and my apartment is off of I-45/hwy75, we decided to take the westerly route to Dallas via College Station and Waco (as opposed to going straight up I-45 from Houston). I've never gone that route before, so I let my uncle be in charge of the navigation. That was my first mistake of the trip. He changed his mind halfway through and since I didn't know any better, his "navigating" added about 40 miles to the trip. Ce la vie, right? We got to Duncanville at 12:30, had delicious lunch courtesy of my aunt, then headed over to my apartment about 1:15. I was still in good spirits at this point.
Thankfully, Christina met me at my apartment for hugs and a bit of encouragement otherwise, I think I might've cracked as soon as I got there. The condition of the apartment was DEPLORABLE. It smelled absolutely foul, like old food, poop, and smoke. There was trash and dirty dishes everywhere. I was instantly overwhelmed and understandably upset. Shan and Whitney arrived about half an hour after I did, but not until after my mom found condoms in the hallway. I don't know why they were moved, and I honestly don't think he's the one who had used them, since we had purchased those together and he didn't like them. Regardless of the reason, that's NOT something that should've happened. I texted him about it, kind of in anger, and he apologized, but it felt pretty half-assed. At least he says he's sorry. He could be a complete jerk.
When Shan arrived, he was PISSED. I mean, it's just rude and crappy to leave the apartment like that. And all of us who were in and out over the 3 days are bewildered at how people can live in squalor like that. I mean, it's gross. Anyway, we discovered where the smokey smell came from, when I noticed the box of cigars on the dining room table. He has really bad asthma, and he used to get grumpy and be a party pooper when we'd go to smokey bars. Nice. But more about why Shan was pissed. There was 6 months worth of garbage on the balcony. Why do I know that's how much? Because 2 months ago, the last time I was there, Liz and I cleaned the apartment and I'm the one who put it out there. Most of it was bottles and cans, because they kept meaning to recycle it, but they didn't find a place close enough. Cari is an eco-freak in a lot of ways, so she felt like she was "killing the earth" by not recycling. Well, Shan made about 15 trips to the dumpster and threw it all away, with a big middle finger blazing.
Whitney made a beer run because she was like, "Um, we need it." She unfortunately backed her Lexus into a poll and hit her face on her steering wheel in the process. Even a shiner can't make that girl less beautiful. NO FAIR! She's the sweetest girl and totally like, "No big deal!" and kept on keepin' on. Liz and Megan also joined in on the packing and made a great dent in it. I was not much help. I was so upset about all the crap Denver had left, emotionally overwhelmed by the process itself, and physically exhausted from the lack of sleep and long drive. Add an ativan to the mix and I was just in a fog and on the verge of tears at any given moment. I threw in the towel around 10:30 and called it a night.

Mom and I both got some desperately needed sleep, so I was in a MUCH better mood on Monday. Jen showed up by noon, and is AMAZING. She just knocked it out. Mom and I went to the grocery store to get more drinks and sandwich fixings, and Jen stayed at my apartment and packed. April arrived right as we got back from the store, at around 2. Shan arrived at 4:30, and Liz, Whitney, and Megan all arrived between 5:30 and 6:30, after they got off work. Angela came by around 8 to say hi and take a break from her work stuff, and got the job of taking me to get some more boxes. I am so so so grateful for friends like them, who just jumped in, took care of it, and worked their butts off to get my stuff packed up and ready to move. There's no way I could've gotten it done without them. No way.
We had just about everything done by about 10:30, so I sat down with a sandwich to relax and play a game with Mom before bed. That was the first time all day I got really emotional about things all day, and I was pleased. I hit the sack around midnight, with Tilly on my hip which made me feel very secure. I love my kitties.

GAME DAY. I got a little bit of a later start than I had intended, but when the choices are packing the last odds and ends or rubbing Lucie's tummy in bed, well, there's really only one choice. I got out of bed around 9 instead of 8, but that's fine. I packed for about an hour, then Mom and I went to pick up the truck at 10. My brother was in a poopy mood because he got a speeding ticket. His mood would not improve much over the course of the day. Once we had the truck back at the apartment, I got a call from my brother and learned that he took I-35W instead of I-35E. For those of you not familiar with the Metroplex, I-35 splits into 2 branches so that it runs through Dallas and Ft. Worth. It joins back up into a single interstate in Denton. 35W is the branch that runs through Ft. Worth. I kept packing, and Chris arrived around 11:30. He had a sandwich then started dismantling my bed and curtains. Chewy arrived around noon and so they started loading the truck together.
Don't you hate how it looks like you're almost completely packed until you start putting all those odds and ends into boxes and then discover that there's a whole lot more that you had missed? Yea, me too. I think it's a lot easier when you know everything is going. Unfortunately, when you have to go through everything and figure out what stays with him and what goes with you, it adds a whole new level of difficulty to the process. My dad and my brother finally arrived around 1, and everybody got down to business. April and Dave overslept so they missed the move. Luckily, it was only about 98 degrees outside, so Chris, Chewy, and Bernie didn't die loading the truck just the 3 of them. Badasses, all of 'em.
Between 4 and 4:30, we were done. Time for food! We all motor over to Texadelphia for dinner, but on the way, my car starts to act up, like its losing fire. What, you thought this move was going too smoothly? Of course it was! After we eat, (Chewy declined the free meal - idiot - and left) we get my car back to the apartment, where it promptly dies completely. Dad determines its the alternator, so we begin a frantic search for a tow dolly - at 5:30. While Chris was calling UHaul stores, we got a visit from the leasing agent with a nasty note for Denver. Let's just say I got my stuff out just in time. She knew I hadn't been living there, and she had addressed it soley to him.
At 6:30, we finally got a tow dolly. Chris has a tow hitch on his Escape, so he brought it back to the apartment. We got it hooked to the truck (which was a Budget truck - that's my dad's favorite part. UHaul dolly on a Budget truck!) which involved a little engineering because they had designed the light adaptor to only work with Budget tow dollys. We got my car up on it, loaded the cats into the carrier (which I had purchased that day because my dad left theirs in Katy) and we were on our way by 7:30.
Mom rode with Bernie, and we decided they didn't need to follow us, since he was grumpy, exhausted, and had to work the next day. Dad and I had the girls in the truck with us, and they were ANGELS. Seriously! They laid down and were content the entire drive. Tilly snuggled up at my dad's arm and helped him drive. She's a great co-pilot.
We got home around 12:15, and faced yet another challenge. I mean, obviously there would be a challenge since we had managed to miss all of the rain that Dolly was already sharing with Houston. We couldn't get my car off the tow dolly and the whole rig was entirely too long to park as is on the street. Well, God provides and our neighbor happened to come outside and offer to help. We got the car in the driveway, the kitties set up in my room, and everyone passed out by 1.

Hello, Dolly! It was sunny in the morning, so I got a few things out of the truck that were going in my room, like my dresser and a table. At 3, I was at my Bible study and the storms started. I got VERY nervous, because I had asked Kevin and Zackybooboo to come over when they got off work to help me unload the truck. I really thought it was going to pour the whole time, and I was not thrilled with the prospect of unloading everything in the rain. I mean, cardboad + rain = all your stuff is ruined.
It was overcast and threatening the entire time, but Kevin and I set to work at 6 unloading. I didn't feel bad about not loading the truck because I made up for it with the unloading. If you've ever helped me move, you know how I don't really carry furniture. Well, I do now. Zack finally got there around 8:40 (he'd had to work late and then lost power and had to wait for someone to manually open the gate and let him out). We got everything unloaded and organized in the garage so that my dad can still get to his tools and there are functional trails all around. And it didn't rain once! Yet again, God provides.

Dad went to refill the truck and discovered we only used 29 gallons. This was a 24' diesel truck, so that is AMAZING. We had totally figured it would be like $200 for gas. Nope! Only about $130. Excellent surprise. We got the truck returned a day early, and the move is complete.

Lucie and Tilly are adjusting pretty well to Mom and Dad's house. They're still wary around Missy and Tyrone, but they're getting better. Besides, Missy and Tyrone are just as wary about them! Denver and I have texted back and forth a bit, mostly about the girls. He misses them so much already, and I can't say I blame him. I remember what that feels like. But they're our babies, and he's the one who's essentially breaking up our family.

I wish this hadn't needed to happen, and I wish Denver wasn't making the decisions he is, but wishing doesn't get you very far in life. We were talking about it in Bible study yesterday, about how we love our husbands because of the men God intended them to be, because of the men that we get glimpses of, and not because of the awful choices they make and because of the way they hurt us. No one is perfect, remember?

Thank you so much for all of the prayers for this process. Keep praying for Denver, that the truth will come to him.

Scripture says we are blessed through suffering, and I was totally blessed throughout this painful experience.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

it's finally time

Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. I Corinthians 13:7

I should be sleeping, because in a matter of hours the most painful part begins. I'll be in Dallas Sunday through Tuesday, packing and moving out. We talked tonight, and he was softer. He's finally gotten some of the sadness, too, or at least is finally admitting it again. He knows that when he left Thursday, that might've been the last time he ever sees our baby kitties, and they didn't know he was leaving for a long time so they were just kind of indifferent. He said that was so hard. I haven't seen them in 2 months, so I told him I totally understand how he feels. I started to get the impression that he was hoping I'd feel sorry for him and change my mind about taking them, especially since it's going to be mildly traumatic for them when they get to Houston. Not gonna happen. He made these choices, and he gets the consequences now. I'm not glad he's in pain, despite all the people around me who keep telling me he deserves it and worse. It made me cry to know he was hurting. I hate ripping our little family apart, and moments like that show me that deep down, he does, too. I'm still in love with my husband, and I want to be a family again. The ball is in his court, as the saying goes.

Please pray for me, dear friends. Pray for my strength and sanity. Pray for all the blessings that the Lord gives through suffering. And pray for Denver. Pray that God would use just one thing that crosses his path each day to be an undeniable moment from Him. Pray for him to return to his moments of truth (listen to "Moment of Truth" by Matthew West... its phenominal) and bring the truth back to his life.

I won't be able to get online until laaaaaaaate Tuesday or possibly Wednesday, but feel free to call or text me.

And thank you for loving me.

Monday, July 14, 2008

the path of Life

So, first of all, I have gained a new respect for Marlee Matlin. I either have a fierce middle ear infection or have ruptured my ear drum. Maybe both. Either way, it hurts like what, and I can't really hear out of my left ear. I'm hoping to visit the doc on Wednesday, so some prayers for my earhole are always appreciated. :o)

Now for the legitimate portion of my post.

I might've mentioned this before, but I read two daily devotionals, one called 365 Medidations for Young Adults which I posted from the other day, and the other called Jesus Calling. Jesus Calling is set up as though Jesus is speaking to you, and it's basically Scripture turned into little love notes and encouragements from Jesus. The author cites the Scripture at the end. Anyhoo, today's was AMAZING for me.

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

Psalm 37:23-24; Psalm 23:2-3

Um, hello? AMAZING? Yes. It basically just hit on everything I feel. The journey IS arduous, and I AM weak. My walk IS heavy. The path IS difficult. I feel like my life is not awesome right now, because of all the mess. I mean, I'm on the verge of being most of the things I swore I never would be (including living back in Katy), and it's basically a construction site around here for me (dull scenery, for real). I'm trying to cling to the things I know to be true, because they are Biblical. God's view on marriage, on family, on service to the church, etc. I'm trying to make my life match what the Bible says it should look like.

I know I'm on the right path, because I had a conversation with Denver tonight and didn't go darting for my Ativan. I felt secure and like God was clicking the keys, not me. We were discussing what all I would be taking next week when I go up there to move out. I am RIDICULOUSLY proud of myself. I told him that I'm not trying to burn bridges, that I'm still completely in love with him, and because of those things, I had no intention of taking everything and deliberately screwing him over. He thanked me and told me he appreciated that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still taking most of it. As much as I'm still in love and want to rebuild a home with him, I'm not retarded. Ever since he told me (on facebook chat, remember?) that I don't listen to his wants and feelings, I'm still firm in my position (which is that I love him and want to be with him) but I'm trying to be more flexible about things. Well, the move out I don't really have a choice about, since he's moving out of our apartment, regardless of whether or not I come and get my things. He was just going to pack it all up and basically store it for me. I could've been a jerk about it, though, and moved my family in there for a few days to pack it up and just make him miserable. Instead, he'll be out of town while we do it. In any event, I'm just hopeful that if I keep praying for him, building my life and following Christ, and not making it a battle of he wants out and I refuse, God can work there and salvage this.

Despite his downward spiral these days, I am still head over heels for that man. I'm kind of compartmentalizing it these days, into "True Denver" and "Trainwreck Denver". That may not be the best idea, but it's the best I can do. For better or for worse, remember? I'm really solid on that part.

In the mean time, I've applied for a few jobs, had exciting conversations about moving with Kevin, and am totally fired up about teaching Sunday school. Those little kids are gonna bless me out of my mind, and I'm ready for it.

My myspace profile song is currently If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Its appropriate. Give it a listen. It's totally a hug from Jesus.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

they don't call it "Solid Rock" for nothing!

My ever-ailing mom was having an MRI done on her hip today, so I had some free time to catch up on reading without being distracted by the TV or facebook. We're doing the 6 week video series for "Restore My Heart" but I happen to have the 5-lessons-a-week-for-6-weeks workbook courtesy of my wonderful SIL. I was reading through all the lessons for the week and journaling when God moved me to do so. I'd like to share part of my experience.

And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord. Hosea 2:19-20

Denise (the author) paraphrased it: As wonderful or as terrible as our earthly marriages are, they will end. But I'm [Jesus] always going to be there for you, Baby!

The key word in that was "stability". Stability is the thing that I crave in my life more than anything else, probably even more than love. When we would talk about what we wanted in life, that was what I was looking for: stability. I want to build a home, have roots, know what each kiss meant, etc. Life is very unpredictable, and you can't plan it all, but you can totally have that foundtation and stability in your home and family.

This scripture just blows my mind. I mean, we all know Jesus loves us. We all know He was sent by the Father to die for us, to pay for our sins, and all out of love. But how often do we actually think, really THINK about what that kind of love means? Have you ever stopped to think about the stability that a love like that puts in your life?

I'm so filled with anxiety because my life is so volitile right now. I know that the one thing constant is Jesus, and trust me, that totally helps. I cannot fathom how you could live life without Him. Seriously. First of all, the sheer arrogance of it is enormous. "Oh, things just happen because of chemistry. And I can make my own choices and I know best!" YEA RIGHT! Second, if I can feel as lonely as I do while knowing that I am never alone and that the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE is holding my right hand, how deeply lonely the world must feel for those without Christ! I'm fortunate that I grew up knowing Christ, and that I truly committed my life to him when I was 14, but that means I can't really relate to people who don't know Him. I mean, maybe they can do it because they just don't know what they're missing.

At the end of the day, the point is, God ever so gently, in His loving way, reminded me that no matter how poopity my earthly life gets, marriage or otherwise, He's there, and He is that stability that I am constantly yearning for.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I'm kind of a mess today.

So, I had planned on posting a big beautiful blog about Cody and Michelle's wedding, complete with pictures, but that'll have to wait (and not just because everyone's taking forever to get their pictures up on facebook and I was an idiot and forgot to bring my own camera). I will say this much: Ross, you rock my world and thanks for being there to hold me when I cried. And thanks for loving him, too, and understanding what I miss so much.

There's not going to be a whole lot of organization to this post, because I'm sick (I have a sinus infection and I'm peeling which itches like crazy), and my heart is kind of all over the place, too.

I've been getting things planned for my trip up to Dallas to separate our things and move my things and the girls (Lucie and Tilly) out for good. I HATE moving. Like, I don't like moving from apartment to apartment, much less city to city, so this is EXCRUCIATING for me. He told me when he first told me he wanted a divorce that I could have whatever I wanted, and I've been having a hard time sleeping because I've been going through all of our things in my head and figuring out what to do with what. Over the past few months, I've gotten pretty good at praying instead of medicating when I start to have panic attacks. But with this, my anxiety pills and Ambien can't even make it stop some nights.

When we first moved to Dallas 2 years ago, and we were unpacking, I felt so peaceful and happy when I was organizing our things, blending our collections together. When I alphabetized the DVD collection (yes, I actually do that), I remember saying, "I'm so glad we'll never have to remember which were mine and which were yours." It's just another one of those cruel moments that sting now. Also on the list, when I announced that I was a first timer during our ceremony (for the laughs, because I tried to put his ring on the wrong finger) and the minister said, "And if I have my way, only timer." Its not really that funny right now.

He gave me the silent treatment for over a week. When I had my horrible breakdown, that was the last time he communicated with me in any way, shape, or form. He ignored every text I sent him, from the sentimental (I texted him during the reception, because Travis - the best man - hit the nail on the head during his speech. He said that true love is all about finding someone who embraces the big dork in you. I summerized it for him, and told him that I love him.) to the silly (He's addicted to Battlestar Galactica and we both like Burn Notice. I texted him asking if he was so super excited that one of the BSG girls is moving to Burn Notice when the show ends this season), he remained silent. He finally broke the silence on Saturday. It wasn't anything of note, just a few texts about Marley & Me, which he inititated. To me, though, it was so much more. I praised God over and over for that tiny gesture.

The Bible study I've joined is for women in "extra grace required" marriages. Most of them are older than me. Heck, some have been married longer than I've been alive. Some of them women have been divorced. Several have been (or currently are) separated from their husbands, or have filed for divorce. There is A LOT of pain in that room. Its hard to be a Christian woman in a painful marriage. You want to honor God and honor your husband, but you're still human and so is he. When your husband is not actively seeking a relationship with Christ, it makes things just that much harder. The 6 week study we're doing is called "Restore My Heart" and so far, it's really amazing. It's outlining how God chose us to be the bride of Christ, and all the ways that we are perfect and wonderful to Him. When you feel rejected and hurt by the person who should love you the most, sometimes its hard to let God's love fill you that completely. I'm working on it.

He's such a mess right now. It seems like for every good decision I make right now, he's making at least that many bad ones. I think he knows it. And he'll tell you that he still loves me ("just not the same way as he did when we got married") so in his weird way, he thinks he's doing me a favor by pushing me out of his life. I miss who he was, when we laughed together, played together, cried together (Marley & Me, it's a tear jerker for reals), cooked together, cuddled, etc. It would be so much easier if every time he hurt me, it made me love him less. I think he thinks it should work like that, too. I really just miss my best friend.

This entry feels totally disjointed and like there wasn't a real point to it. Sorry for that. I mostly just wanted to get some of these things out, hoping that maybe I'll get some sleep tonight.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

So here's where I'm at.

Denver is decidedly NOT in a good place, and I can see now that God got me out of there right when I needed to be out of there. Bandaids heal the wound, but it still hurts when they rip your arm hairs out.

I'm focused on making my life here in Katy the absolute best that I can. I'm active in a church for the first time in too many years. I've got a Bible study group and starting on August 3rd I'll be teaching Kindergarten Sunday school. I'm spending time with God every single day, in prayer, in devotionals, and/or in my Bible. My heart is returning to my first love, and it's what I've needed for so so long.

I've got a lot of tastings on my calendar, and confirmation from my boss this morning that she'll be keeping me busy with tastings for a while. I like that. I've applied for several full time (with benefits) jobs down here, and I'm going to continue applying until I find one. Once I'm gainfully employed, Kevin and I will be moving in together. We're both excited to be living not with our moms again. Not that we don't love our moms to pieces, because we do, but because we prefer living like adults.

Until all is said and done and a divorce is final, as in the final decree has been signed by a judge, I will continue to say "if" and not "when" we get divorced. In our simple human minds, we're impatient and all too often believe that God is late. Obviously, I've been doing this a lot lately. But His time is so perfect. I was extremely encouraged by my friend Eryn's blog about God providing for them right on time, and it really helps put me back in my place. I will cry, and I am hurt, but no matter what, I trust that my sweet sweet Lord has plans for my life, and it's not my place to try and understand or figure them out. He created THE UNIVERSE. I'm pretty confident that He's got my life under control.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

You say it like the color "Green"

It is pretty much impossible to be sad when you're having a girls weekend with my girls. Seriously. Kacie and I drove to Austin Friday night, and found Dayna "incapacitated", so we played with her dogs, Lando (a German Shepherd) and Aerial (a 3 month old Yorkiepoo). Saturday, after a few hours of sleep, the 3 of us headed down to New Braunfels for Michelle's bachelorette party. Floating the Guadalupe with good friends is easily one of the top 10 best things in life. Seriously. So what if despite my repeated applications of sunscreen I am still BURNT on my legs and chest? It was worth it. After showers and naps (okay, so only Christina and I took naps, whatever), we kept the party rolling with dinner at the Gruene River Grill and then drinks at Tavern in Gruene. Michelle had a great time, which was the ultimate point, and I laughed so hard all day long. Sunday, we intended to get up early enough so I could make it back to Katy in time for church, but that plan was aborted rapidly. Instead, it was lunch and an early showing of Wall-E at the Drafthouse for the original 3. It's a super cute movie, btw. After the Drafthouse, Kacie and I headed home.

It was a really great weekend, and I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeded it.