Monday, July 14, 2008

the path of Life

So, first of all, I have gained a new respect for Marlee Matlin. I either have a fierce middle ear infection or have ruptured my ear drum. Maybe both. Either way, it hurts like what, and I can't really hear out of my left ear. I'm hoping to visit the doc on Wednesday, so some prayers for my earhole are always appreciated. :o)

Now for the legitimate portion of my post.

I might've mentioned this before, but I read two daily devotionals, one called 365 Medidations for Young Adults which I posted from the other day, and the other called Jesus Calling. Jesus Calling is set up as though Jesus is speaking to you, and it's basically Scripture turned into little love notes and encouragements from Jesus. The author cites the Scripture at the end. Anyhoo, today's was AMAZING for me.

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

Psalm 37:23-24; Psalm 23:2-3

Um, hello? AMAZING? Yes. It basically just hit on everything I feel. The journey IS arduous, and I AM weak. My walk IS heavy. The path IS difficult. I feel like my life is not awesome right now, because of all the mess. I mean, I'm on the verge of being most of the things I swore I never would be (including living back in Katy), and it's basically a construction site around here for me (dull scenery, for real). I'm trying to cling to the things I know to be true, because they are Biblical. God's view on marriage, on family, on service to the church, etc. I'm trying to make my life match what the Bible says it should look like.

I know I'm on the right path, because I had a conversation with Denver tonight and didn't go darting for my Ativan. I felt secure and like God was clicking the keys, not me. We were discussing what all I would be taking next week when I go up there to move out. I am RIDICULOUSLY proud of myself. I told him that I'm not trying to burn bridges, that I'm still completely in love with him, and because of those things, I had no intention of taking everything and deliberately screwing him over. He thanked me and told me he appreciated that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still taking most of it. As much as I'm still in love and want to rebuild a home with him, I'm not retarded. Ever since he told me (on facebook chat, remember?) that I don't listen to his wants and feelings, I'm still firm in my position (which is that I love him and want to be with him) but I'm trying to be more flexible about things. Well, the move out I don't really have a choice about, since he's moving out of our apartment, regardless of whether or not I come and get my things. He was just going to pack it all up and basically store it for me. I could've been a jerk about it, though, and moved my family in there for a few days to pack it up and just make him miserable. Instead, he'll be out of town while we do it. In any event, I'm just hopeful that if I keep praying for him, building my life and following Christ, and not making it a battle of he wants out and I refuse, God can work there and salvage this.

Despite his downward spiral these days, I am still head over heels for that man. I'm kind of compartmentalizing it these days, into "True Denver" and "Trainwreck Denver". That may not be the best idea, but it's the best I can do. For better or for worse, remember? I'm really solid on that part.

In the mean time, I've applied for a few jobs, had exciting conversations about moving with Kevin, and am totally fired up about teaching Sunday school. Those little kids are gonna bless me out of my mind, and I'm ready for it.

My myspace profile song is currently If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Its appropriate. Give it a listen. It's totally a hug from Jesus.

1 comment:

Mama said...

Even though D is your other half, and this feels like ripping part of your body out - always remember that you are not half a person without him. You are a complete person, and you are a beautiful person.