Mandi, I'm gonna have to save the nerds for another entry. God was too big today to not blog about it.
I have said several times, to several different people, that one of the biggest things I am angry about is feeling used up and wasted.
A little background: I was 22 when I met him, 24 when I married him, and apparently 27 when I'm getting divorced from him (although I still have yet to be served with papers). Because I have had to come to terms with limits on my life due to diabetes, my 20's have been prime real estate in my life. Those years were the best chance in my life to have children, and I always wanted to have them that age anyway (even before I had diabetes) because my parents and grandparents were older when they had children, and I found that very distasteful. Becoming a mom in your mid-20's has always been my ideal, so when I was 19 and my doctor informed me that when I hit the big 3-0, my status as a high risk pregnancy would basically triple, which means the odds of me being able to successfully have biological children get even lower (which is pretty sobering, let me tell you), I became even more determined that being a mom in my mid-20's was the way to go.
In addition to the beautiful children I've been dreaming about since I was 12 slipping away, I also felt just emotionally used up. I have given everything, "my all", to him and my marriage. I have been the best wife I could possibly be. I'm not, nor have I ever claimed to be, perfect, but I tried. And the used up part comes from feeling like I did as God commanded and gave myself completely to my husband. I feel like I can never be anyone's wife but Denver's, mostly because all the wifely acts and behaviors would feel insincere to anyone else. Those were things intended for him and him alone, and somehow I feel like it would always feel cheapened with someone else. That absolutely TERRIFIES me. I love him so deeply and unconditionally, so how could I possibly ever feel that intensely for someone else? The fact that my marriage being reconciled is God's best for my life is because those things were intended to be just for him. I need to trust God's provision, and I do know that he will provide and fill me. Its just very hard to feel that way when you feel so used up and wasted on the inside.
So here's where God gave me a big blessing this morning and made it relavent to spill that info. I was on my way to pick up my brother for church this morning, and I was listening to Joel Osteen's sermon on the radio. God knew I needed to hear it, and that's honestly why I was running late. If I had been on time this morning, I would've missed it!! Basically, he was talking about enduring trials and hard times at life. The point of going through things is to be a victOR not a victIM. You got THROUGH it. You didn't stay there. God didn't leave you in the tribulation. And by faith, you know He always will. He paraphrased some scripture from the book of Joel. Basically, he said, "God will give you back all the years that are stolen from you by trials and troubles." Joel Osteen, God just used you for my personal prayer fulfillment.
Then after Sunday school, I was really filled with realization at a HUGE way God's really changed my heart. That little boy "Timmy" that I blogged about a few weeks ago, I really used to hope he wouldn't be there on Sunday mornings. I just did not like that kid!! He's still a bit of a challenge, and he still throws fits, but the little guy has wormed his way into my heart with his giant blue eyes. In large group, I sat with him during the songs because he doesn't always participate and that keeps him from distracting the other kids. He has become quite the snuggler. He was holding my hands and wrapping my arms around him. At one point, he said, "Remember when we saw each other at that party (the church Cowboy Christmas) when I had my face painted? Wasn't that just so fun?" It absolutely filled my heart with the purest kind of joy. He eventually climbed up in my lap and snuggled up against me. He popped his thumb in his mouth and started to doze in my arms. Isn't it amazing how a little boy that made me crazy and I could hardly stand a few months ago could turn around and make me love him so much? God's just cool like that.
Do you think it was because tonight started Hannukah? ;-)