seriously.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: God is so cool!

I have a Stephen Minister through my church who is AMAZING. She and I were talking last night about how things have been going for me, and if I had talked to D or not. Well, things have kind of slidden downward for me in a few areas (out of my control) and I haven't talked to D which is eating at me because I miss him so much. She told me that she would be praying and that she knows the Lord is working in my life. I told her that I know at this point its all about faith, trust, and patience.

Fast forward a few hours to me being awake all night because I made the bad decision to take a 4 hour nap after church. So I was playing games online and listening to ksbj. I love the overnight DJ on that station because he sounds entirely too much like Mr. Garrison from South Park when he talks, but also because he uses his breaks between songs to talk about scripture and pray. Well, last night he really caught my attention when he started talking about the scriptures (I think it's in John 14) that talk about asking for things in faith. He actually used the words faith and trust when talking about praying and seeking the Lord's guidance and provision. Um, yes.

Finish it up with today's devotional in Jesus Calling

Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me. When you became a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on Me.

Anticipate coming face-to-face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you - the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence.

Revelation 19:1; Psalm 91:1


There's a song by Casting Crowns called Who Am I that really gets it.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love, and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours


I am so small and insignificant but the Lord of Creation knows every single hair on my head, and loves me so deeply. He actually does care about every single thing that I feel and pays attention. That is HUGE. My life is a mess right now in so many ways, but because I am covered with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, it's all part of the beautiful work of art that the Lord is creating in me. SERIOUSLY.

Happy Birthday

Today was D's 29th birthday. I mailed him a real card, I texted him at exactly midnight, I sent him an e-card, and I said happy birthday when I called him after church. He didn't acknowledge any of these gestures. It's hard because I am such a birthday person, ESPECIALLY when it comes to family. Its not about how much money gets spent, it's all about gestures.

He's been borderline mean ever since our spat on Tuesday. He's really determined that our marriage is over, and I'm really determined that it's not. I saw a bumper sticker on facebook that said, "Never stop fighting for the person you can't go a day without thinking about." I know it's not right for him to be a jerk to me, and I know that I deserve to be happy and be with someone who loves me as much as I love him. Wouldn't it be awesome if marriage really worked like that, where you were happy all the time? The bottom line is that D has been there for me when things have been down and dirty and the average man would've run. And he did those things before there was a ring on my finger. I'm waiting for him to remember when I tried to break up with him during Hurricane Ivan. I decided that I didn't want to get involved with another guy (thanks to my history with the military) who had to cancel plans with me because of his job. That lasted for less than 12 hours. There were tears on both sides, and he told me that he didn't want to imagine his life without me in it. Now it's my turn to feel that way and fight.

This morning, I was praying that for D's birthday, God would bless him with the gift of a Christ shaped slap in the face. I don't think God works like that, but it never hurts to ask.

I have a meeting with the care pastor at church on Tuesday. She's so cute. I emailed her about a small group I'm interesting in joining and told her a little bit about my situation. She sent me the sweetest response and was like, "You need to come in and meet with me. We need to set up a care plan for you." The small group is new, and we're having our first meeting this week. It's for people in "extra grace required" marriages. Who knows how long I'll be in one, but for now, I'm looking forward to spending time with other people who feel the same hurts that I do, praying with them, and just feeling God hold us.

Next weekend should hold more fun, as Kacie and I are carpooling to New Braunfels to go tubing with a bunch of our girlfriends for our friend Michelle's bachelorette party. I can't wait. I'm thinking that this is going to be an extremely emotional week, so I'll really need that release when all is said and done.

A theme in my devotionals and scripture readings this week has been God's time vs. our time. I'm struggling with that, too. I feel such an urgency, and I try to remind myself that first of all, it's God's battle, not mine and that second, His time is not my time and He's never late. Maybe that's why I asked God to give D such a cool birthday gift... or maybe I just miss how I feel in his arms, because I fit perfectly in them. :o(