PRECIOUS! just precious.

I feel like I'm floating along on a bubble of prayer. I know some of them are my own, but mostly, they're prayers that have been said for me. If you're one of the amazing people who have prayed for me, thank you. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I received the most amazing email from a sweet friend of mine from Grace Fellowship. She told me she'd gone to the prayer center to intercede for me, and while she was praying, a couple prayed over her for me (Prayer makes chains like that. It blows my mind in the best way possible.) Jeremiah 17:7-8 was claimed over me. I DO trust in the Lord, and I AM blessed by my confidence in Him.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Romans 12:12,14

I am commanded in scripture to live as a Christian example to my husband. I believe that this commandment still applies during our divorce. I have been strongly encouraged to continue to bless Denver throughout this process. Subsequently, I have claimed Psalm 112 for him. God began a good work in Denver when he prayed to accept Christ before we were married. God doesn't abandon His works, and thus I believe that he WILL be changed. Not necessarily in time to reconcile with me (although that would be pretty great) but rather in God's time, which is perfect. Every time he says or does something that hurts me, makes my stomach clench, etc, I pray that Psalm over him, inserting his name. God hears and answers the prayers of those who love Him.

Do I miss him every single day? Yes. Do I love him? Absolutely. Is my life over? Not even close. God molds and shapes us through every trial and season of suffering we endure. I know without a doubt that I walk with Christ, so I am being molded and shaped. If I am never as happy as I was ever again in this life, it doesn't make a difference. I mean, OBVIOUSLY I want to be ridiculously happy, but its out of my hands and into hands much larger than my own. So I will wait obediently and pray faithfully.

heart band-aids?

I love the Lord, because He has heard [and now hears] my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. The cords and sorrows of death were around me, and the terrors of Sheol (the place of the dead) had laid hold of me; I suffered anguish and grief. Then I called upon the name of the Lord: O Lord, I beseech You, save my life and deliver me! Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low and He helped and saved me. Psalm 116:1-6

I am continually in awe of my own capacity to endure and love. The grass is not greener, and I don't really want your life (unless you drive an Audi, but then I just want your car) and I don't want your pity. I just appreciate your prayers and supplications. Last night was a pretty bad night for me, and I had a pretty nasty panic attack. I was having a hard time even breathing much less praying. Thank you to Dayna and the Spirit for praying for me. When some semblence of calm returned to me, I was able to pray through my tears and, with the help of a ridiculous assortment of medications, eventually got some sleep.

God heard my prayers and those prayers prayed for me, and today I was not in that awful pit that I was in last night. In fact, my heart which was shattered and trampled last night, was restored to the point that I felt chest-bursting happiness for my sweet Cobbs when Eryn messaged me with their amazing news.

I've been wondering for a while when my love was going to run out, when I was going to bottom out and be unable to keep faithfully praying the promises of scripture and loving the people God's blessed me with in my life. God is so good, and I am completely confident that He is living in me because I now know that I will never run out of love. Now, when I will run out of "IN-LOVE" is another matter that only God knows.

Affirmation

This morning, right before the service I heard some sad news about some friends of my brother and SIL's. When couples split and it's not a mutual decision, it is gut wrenching and awful. That means I started the service out with kind of a lump in my stomach. Then the lump grew when I looked at the bulletin and saw what the sermon topic today was. GREAT. It was Sodom and Gomorrah. That's always fun filled and joyful! Lucky for me, God is amazingly good and had set up a provision for the lump in my stomach. There was a quote placed towards the end of our sermon notes and when it was read, I felt just this huge wave of peace affirmation wash over me and remove that lump in my stomach.

"If lost sinners will not hear you speak, they cannot prevent your praying. Do they jest at your exhortations? They cannot disturb your prayers. Are they away so you cannot reach them? Your prayers can reach them. Have they declared that they will never listen to you again, nor see your face? Never mind, God has a voice which they must hear. Speak to Him, and He will make them feel. Though they now treat you despitefully, rendering evil for your good, follow them with your prayers. Never let them perish for lack of your supplications." -Charles Spurgeon

Total God Day

Mandi, I'm gonna have to save the nerds for another entry. God was too big today to not blog about it.

I have said several times, to several different people, that one of the biggest things I am angry about is feeling used up and wasted.

A little background: I was 22 when I met him, 24 when I married him, and apparently 27 when I'm getting divorced from him (although I still have yet to be served with papers). Because I have had to come to terms with limits on my life due to diabetes, my 20's have been prime real estate in my life. Those years were the best chance in my life to have children, and I always wanted to have them that age anyway (even before I had diabetes) because my parents and grandparents were older when they had children, and I found that very distasteful. Becoming a mom in your mid-20's has always been my ideal, so when I was 19 and my doctor informed me that when I hit the big 3-0, my status as a high risk pregnancy would basically triple, which means the odds of me being able to successfully have biological children get even lower (which is pretty sobering, let me tell you), I became even more determined that being a mom in my mid-20's was the way to go.

In addition to the beautiful children I've been dreaming about since I was 12 slipping away, I also felt just emotionally used up. I have given everything, "my all", to him and my marriage. I have been the best wife I could possibly be. I'm not, nor have I ever claimed to be, perfect, but I tried. And the used up part comes from feeling like I did as God commanded and gave myself completely to my husband. I feel like I can never be anyone's wife but Denver's, mostly because all the wifely acts and behaviors would feel insincere to anyone else. Those were things intended for him and him alone, and somehow I feel like it would always feel cheapened with someone else. That absolutely TERRIFIES me. I love him so deeply and unconditionally, so how could I possibly ever feel that intensely for someone else? The fact that my marriage being reconciled is God's best for my life is because those things were intended to be just for him. I need to trust God's provision, and I do know that he will provide and fill me. Its just very hard to feel that way when you feel so used up and wasted on the inside.

So here's where God gave me a big blessing this morning and made it relavent to spill that info. I was on my way to pick up my brother for church this morning, and I was listening to Joel Osteen's sermon on the radio. God knew I needed to hear it, and that's honestly why I was running late. If I had been on time this morning, I would've missed it!! Basically, he was talking about enduring trials and hard times at life. The point of going through things is to be a victOR not a victIM. You got THROUGH it. You didn't stay there. God didn't leave you in the tribulation. And by faith, you know He always will. He paraphrased some scripture from the book of Joel. Basically, he said, "God will give you back all the years that are stolen from you by trials and troubles." Joel Osteen, God just used you for my personal prayer fulfillment.

Then after Sunday school, I was really filled with realization at a HUGE way God's really changed my heart. That little boy "Timmy" that I blogged about a few weeks ago, I really used to hope he wouldn't be there on Sunday mornings. I just did not like that kid!! He's still a bit of a challenge, and he still throws fits, but the little guy has wormed his way into my heart with his giant blue eyes. In large group, I sat with him during the songs because he doesn't always participate and that keeps him from distracting the other kids. He has become quite the snuggler. He was holding my hands and wrapping my arms around him. At one point, he said, "Remember when we saw each other at that party (the church Cowboy Christmas) when I had my face painted? Wasn't that just so fun?" It absolutely filled my heart with the purest kind of joy. He eventually climbed up in my lap and snuggled up against me. He popped his thumb in his mouth and started to doze in my arms. Isn't it amazing how a little boy that made me crazy and I could hardly stand a few months ago could turn around and make me love him so much? God's just cool like that.

Do you think it was because tonight started Hannukah? ;-)

Happy Birthday

Today was D's 29th birthday. I mailed him a real card, I texted him at exactly midnight, I sent him an e-card, and I said happy birthday when I called him after church. He didn't acknowledge any of these gestures. It's hard because I am such a birthday person, ESPECIALLY when it comes to family. Its not about how much money gets spent, it's all about gestures.

He's been borderline mean ever since our spat on Tuesday. He's really determined that our marriage is over, and I'm really determined that it's not. I saw a bumper sticker on facebook that said, "Never stop fighting for the person you can't go a day without thinking about." I know it's not right for him to be a jerk to me, and I know that I deserve to be happy and be with someone who loves me as much as I love him. Wouldn't it be awesome if marriage really worked like that, where you were happy all the time? The bottom line is that D has been there for me when things have been down and dirty and the average man would've run. And he did those things before there was a ring on my finger. I'm waiting for him to remember when I tried to break up with him during Hurricane Ivan. I decided that I didn't want to get involved with another guy (thanks to my history with the military) who had to cancel plans with me because of his job. That lasted for less than 12 hours. There were tears on both sides, and he told me that he didn't want to imagine his life without me in it. Now it's my turn to feel that way and fight.

This morning, I was praying that for D's birthday, God would bless him with the gift of a Christ shaped slap in the face. I don't think God works like that, but it never hurts to ask.

I have a meeting with the care pastor at church on Tuesday. She's so cute. I emailed her about a small group I'm interesting in joining and told her a little bit about my situation. She sent me the sweetest response and was like, "You need to come in and meet with me. We need to set up a care plan for you." The small group is new, and we're having our first meeting this week. It's for people in "extra grace required" marriages. Who knows how long I'll be in one, but for now, I'm looking forward to spending time with other people who feel the same hurts that I do, praying with them, and just feeling God hold us.

Next weekend should hold more fun, as Kacie and I are carpooling to New Braunfels to go tubing with a bunch of our girlfriends for our friend Michelle's bachelorette party. I can't wait. I'm thinking that this is going to be an extremely emotional week, so I'll really need that release when all is said and done.

A theme in my devotionals and scripture readings this week has been God's time vs. our time. I'm struggling with that, too. I feel such an urgency, and I try to remind myself that first of all, it's God's battle, not mine and that second, His time is not my time and He's never late. Maybe that's why I asked God to give D such a cool birthday gift... or maybe I just miss how I feel in his arms, because I fit perfectly in them. :o(