Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. I Corinthians 13:7
I should be sleeping, because in a matter of hours the most painful part begins. I'll be in Dallas Sunday through Tuesday, packing and moving out. We talked tonight, and he was softer. He's finally gotten some of the sadness, too, or at least is finally admitting it again. He knows that when he left Thursday, that might've been the last time he ever sees our baby kitties, and they didn't know he was leaving for a long time so they were just kind of indifferent. He said that was so hard. I haven't seen them in 2 months, so I told him I totally understand how he feels. I started to get the impression that he was hoping I'd feel sorry for him and change my mind about taking them, especially since it's going to be mildly traumatic for them when they get to Houston. Not gonna happen. He made these choices, and he gets the consequences now. I'm not glad he's in pain, despite all the people around me who keep telling me he deserves it and worse. It made me cry to know he was hurting. I hate ripping our little family apart, and moments like that show me that deep down, he does, too. I'm still in love with my husband, and I want to be a family again. The ball is in his court, as the saying goes.
Please pray for me, dear friends. Pray for my strength and sanity. Pray for all the blessings that the Lord gives through suffering. And pray for Denver. Pray that God would use just one thing that crosses his path each day to be an undeniable moment from Him. Pray for him to return to his moments of truth (listen to "Moment of Truth" by Matthew West... its phenominal) and bring the truth back to his life.
I won't be able to get online until laaaaaaaate Tuesday or possibly Wednesday, but feel free to call or text me.
And thank you for loving me.
Showing posts with label moving out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving out. Show all posts
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
the path of Life
So, first of all, I have gained a new respect for Marlee Matlin. I either have a fierce middle ear infection or have ruptured my ear drum. Maybe both. Either way, it hurts like what, and I can't really hear out of my left ear. I'm hoping to visit the doc on Wednesday, so some prayers for my earhole are always appreciated. :o)
Now for the legitimate portion of my post.
I might've mentioned this before, but I read two daily devotionals, one called 365 Medidations for Young Adults which I posted from the other day, and the other called Jesus Calling. Jesus Calling is set up as though Jesus is speaking to you, and it's basically Scripture turned into little love notes and encouragements from Jesus. The author cites the Scripture at the end. Anyhoo, today's was AMAZING for me.
Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.
Psalm 37:23-24; Psalm 23:2-3
Um, hello? AMAZING? Yes. It basically just hit on everything I feel. The journey IS arduous, and I AM weak. My walk IS heavy. The path IS difficult. I feel like my life is not awesome right now, because of all the mess. I mean, I'm on the verge of being most of the things I swore I never would be (including living back in Katy), and it's basically a construction site around here for me (dull scenery, for real). I'm trying to cling to the things I know to be true, because they are Biblical. God's view on marriage, on family, on service to the church, etc. I'm trying to make my life match what the Bible says it should look like.
I know I'm on the right path, because I had a conversation with Denver tonight and didn't go darting for my Ativan. I felt secure and like God was clicking the keys, not me. We were discussing what all I would be taking next week when I go up there to move out. I am RIDICULOUSLY proud of myself. I told him that I'm not trying to burn bridges, that I'm still completely in love with him, and because of those things, I had no intention of taking everything and deliberately screwing him over. He thanked me and told me he appreciated that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still taking most of it. As much as I'm still in love and want to rebuild a home with him, I'm not retarded. Ever since he told me (on facebook chat, remember?) that I don't listen to his wants and feelings, I'm still firm in my position (which is that I love him and want to be with him) but I'm trying to be more flexible about things. Well, the move out I don't really have a choice about, since he's moving out of our apartment, regardless of whether or not I come and get my things. He was just going to pack it all up and basically store it for me. I could've been a jerk about it, though, and moved my family in there for a few days to pack it up and just make him miserable. Instead, he'll be out of town while we do it. In any event, I'm just hopeful that if I keep praying for him, building my life and following Christ, and not making it a battle of he wants out and I refuse, God can work there and salvage this.
Despite his downward spiral these days, I am still head over heels for that man. I'm kind of compartmentalizing it these days, into "True Denver" and "Trainwreck Denver". That may not be the best idea, but it's the best I can do. For better or for worse, remember? I'm really solid on that part.
In the mean time, I've applied for a few jobs, had exciting conversations about moving with Kevin, and am totally fired up about teaching Sunday school. Those little kids are gonna bless me out of my mind, and I'm ready for it.
My myspace profile song is currently If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Its appropriate. Give it a listen. It's totally a hug from Jesus.
Now for the legitimate portion of my post.
I might've mentioned this before, but I read two daily devotionals, one called 365 Medidations for Young Adults which I posted from the other day, and the other called Jesus Calling. Jesus Calling is set up as though Jesus is speaking to you, and it's basically Scripture turned into little love notes and encouragements from Jesus. The author cites the Scripture at the end. Anyhoo, today's was AMAZING for me.
Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.
Psalm 37:23-24; Psalm 23:2-3
Um, hello? AMAZING? Yes. It basically just hit on everything I feel. The journey IS arduous, and I AM weak. My walk IS heavy. The path IS difficult. I feel like my life is not awesome right now, because of all the mess. I mean, I'm on the verge of being most of the things I swore I never would be (including living back in Katy), and it's basically a construction site around here for me (dull scenery, for real). I'm trying to cling to the things I know to be true, because they are Biblical. God's view on marriage, on family, on service to the church, etc. I'm trying to make my life match what the Bible says it should look like.
I know I'm on the right path, because I had a conversation with Denver tonight and didn't go darting for my Ativan. I felt secure and like God was clicking the keys, not me. We were discussing what all I would be taking next week when I go up there to move out. I am RIDICULOUSLY proud of myself. I told him that I'm not trying to burn bridges, that I'm still completely in love with him, and because of those things, I had no intention of taking everything and deliberately screwing him over. He thanked me and told me he appreciated that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still taking most of it. As much as I'm still in love and want to rebuild a home with him, I'm not retarded. Ever since he told me (on facebook chat, remember?) that I don't listen to his wants and feelings, I'm still firm in my position (which is that I love him and want to be with him) but I'm trying to be more flexible about things. Well, the move out I don't really have a choice about, since he's moving out of our apartment, regardless of whether or not I come and get my things. He was just going to pack it all up and basically store it for me. I could've been a jerk about it, though, and moved my family in there for a few days to pack it up and just make him miserable. Instead, he'll be out of town while we do it. In any event, I'm just hopeful that if I keep praying for him, building my life and following Christ, and not making it a battle of he wants out and I refuse, God can work there and salvage this.
Despite his downward spiral these days, I am still head over heels for that man. I'm kind of compartmentalizing it these days, into "True Denver" and "Trainwreck Denver". That may not be the best idea, but it's the best I can do. For better or for worse, remember? I'm really solid on that part.
In the mean time, I've applied for a few jobs, had exciting conversations about moving with Kevin, and am totally fired up about teaching Sunday school. Those little kids are gonna bless me out of my mind, and I'm ready for it.
My myspace profile song is currently If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Its appropriate. Give it a listen. It's totally a hug from Jesus.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I'm kind of a mess today.
So, I had planned on posting a big beautiful blog about Cody and Michelle's wedding, complete with pictures, but that'll have to wait (and not just because everyone's taking forever to get their pictures up on facebook and I was an idiot and forgot to bring my own camera). I will say this much: Ross, you rock my world and thanks for being there to hold me when I cried. And thanks for loving him, too, and understanding what I miss so much.
There's not going to be a whole lot of organization to this post, because I'm sick (I have a sinus infection and I'm peeling which itches like crazy), and my heart is kind of all over the place, too.
I've been getting things planned for my trip up to Dallas to separate our things and move my things and the girls (Lucie and Tilly) out for good. I HATE moving. Like, I don't like moving from apartment to apartment, much less city to city, so this is EXCRUCIATING for me. He told me when he first told me he wanted a divorce that I could have whatever I wanted, and I've been having a hard time sleeping because I've been going through all of our things in my head and figuring out what to do with what. Over the past few months, I've gotten pretty good at praying instead of medicating when I start to have panic attacks. But with this, my anxiety pills and Ambien can't even make it stop some nights.
When we first moved to Dallas 2 years ago, and we were unpacking, I felt so peaceful and happy when I was organizing our things, blending our collections together. When I alphabetized the DVD collection (yes, I actually do that), I remember saying, "I'm so glad we'll never have to remember which were mine and which were yours." It's just another one of those cruel moments that sting now. Also on the list, when I announced that I was a first timer during our ceremony (for the laughs, because I tried to put his ring on the wrong finger) and the minister said, "And if I have my way, only timer." Its not really that funny right now.
He gave me the silent treatment for over a week. When I had my horrible breakdown, that was the last time he communicated with me in any way, shape, or form. He ignored every text I sent him, from the sentimental (I texted him during the reception, because Travis - the best man - hit the nail on the head during his speech. He said that true love is all about finding someone who embraces the big dork in you. I summerized it for him, and told him that I love him.) to the silly (He's addicted to Battlestar Galactica and we both like Burn Notice. I texted him asking if he was so super excited that one of the BSG girls is moving to Burn Notice when the show ends this season), he remained silent. He finally broke the silence on Saturday. It wasn't anything of note, just a few texts about Marley & Me, which he inititated. To me, though, it was so much more. I praised God over and over for that tiny gesture.
The Bible study I've joined is for women in "extra grace required" marriages. Most of them are older than me. Heck, some have been married longer than I've been alive. Some of them women have been divorced. Several have been (or currently are) separated from their husbands, or have filed for divorce. There is A LOT of pain in that room. Its hard to be a Christian woman in a painful marriage. You want to honor God and honor your husband, but you're still human and so is he. When your husband is not actively seeking a relationship with Christ, it makes things just that much harder. The 6 week study we're doing is called "Restore My Heart" and so far, it's really amazing. It's outlining how God chose us to be the bride of Christ, and all the ways that we are perfect and wonderful to Him. When you feel rejected and hurt by the person who should love you the most, sometimes its hard to let God's love fill you that completely. I'm working on it.
He's such a mess right now. It seems like for every good decision I make right now, he's making at least that many bad ones. I think he knows it. And he'll tell you that he still loves me ("just not the same way as he did when we got married") so in his weird way, he thinks he's doing me a favor by pushing me out of his life. I miss who he was, when we laughed together, played together, cried together (Marley & Me, it's a tear jerker for reals), cooked together, cuddled, etc. It would be so much easier if every time he hurt me, it made me love him less. I think he thinks it should work like that, too. I really just miss my best friend.
This entry feels totally disjointed and like there wasn't a real point to it. Sorry for that. I mostly just wanted to get some of these things out, hoping that maybe I'll get some sleep tonight.
There's not going to be a whole lot of organization to this post, because I'm sick (I have a sinus infection and I'm peeling which itches like crazy), and my heart is kind of all over the place, too.
I've been getting things planned for my trip up to Dallas to separate our things and move my things and the girls (Lucie and Tilly) out for good. I HATE moving. Like, I don't like moving from apartment to apartment, much less city to city, so this is EXCRUCIATING for me. He told me when he first told me he wanted a divorce that I could have whatever I wanted, and I've been having a hard time sleeping because I've been going through all of our things in my head and figuring out what to do with what. Over the past few months, I've gotten pretty good at praying instead of medicating when I start to have panic attacks. But with this, my anxiety pills and Ambien can't even make it stop some nights.
When we first moved to Dallas 2 years ago, and we were unpacking, I felt so peaceful and happy when I was organizing our things, blending our collections together. When I alphabetized the DVD collection (yes, I actually do that), I remember saying, "I'm so glad we'll never have to remember which were mine and which were yours." It's just another one of those cruel moments that sting now. Also on the list, when I announced that I was a first timer during our ceremony (for the laughs, because I tried to put his ring on the wrong finger) and the minister said, "And if I have my way, only timer." Its not really that funny right now.
He gave me the silent treatment for over a week. When I had my horrible breakdown, that was the last time he communicated with me in any way, shape, or form. He ignored every text I sent him, from the sentimental (I texted him during the reception, because Travis - the best man - hit the nail on the head during his speech. He said that true love is all about finding someone who embraces the big dork in you. I summerized it for him, and told him that I love him.) to the silly (He's addicted to Battlestar Galactica and we both like Burn Notice. I texted him asking if he was so super excited that one of the BSG girls is moving to Burn Notice when the show ends this season), he remained silent. He finally broke the silence on Saturday. It wasn't anything of note, just a few texts about Marley & Me, which he inititated. To me, though, it was so much more. I praised God over and over for that tiny gesture.
The Bible study I've joined is for women in "extra grace required" marriages. Most of them are older than me. Heck, some have been married longer than I've been alive. Some of them women have been divorced. Several have been (or currently are) separated from their husbands, or have filed for divorce. There is A LOT of pain in that room. Its hard to be a Christian woman in a painful marriage. You want to honor God and honor your husband, but you're still human and so is he. When your husband is not actively seeking a relationship with Christ, it makes things just that much harder. The 6 week study we're doing is called "Restore My Heart" and so far, it's really amazing. It's outlining how God chose us to be the bride of Christ, and all the ways that we are perfect and wonderful to Him. When you feel rejected and hurt by the person who should love you the most, sometimes its hard to let God's love fill you that completely. I'm working on it.
He's such a mess right now. It seems like for every good decision I make right now, he's making at least that many bad ones. I think he knows it. And he'll tell you that he still loves me ("just not the same way as he did when we got married") so in his weird way, he thinks he's doing me a favor by pushing me out of his life. I miss who he was, when we laughed together, played together, cried together (Marley & Me, it's a tear jerker for reals), cooked together, cuddled, etc. It would be so much easier if every time he hurt me, it made me love him less. I think he thinks it should work like that, too. I really just miss my best friend.
This entry feels totally disjointed and like there wasn't a real point to it. Sorry for that. I mostly just wanted to get some of these things out, hoping that maybe I'll get some sleep tonight.
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