3 years of not so holy matrimony

On March 4, 2006, I walked down the aisle at Grace Fellowship United Methodist Church on my father's arm, my cheeks hurting so bad from my huge grin, ridiculously excited to get to the end and marry the man waiting there for me, with an equally huge grin on his face. We promised to love, honor, and cherish each other for the rest of our lives. It was FANTASTIC.

Fast forward to 3 years later, and well, you know where we stand.

First of all, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you to every single one of you who has uttered a prayer for Denver, me, or our marriage. Its not like he responded to my text today wishing him a happy anniversary, but its not like I expected him to. Things haven't really changed between us, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. What's that old saying, "no news is good news"? I'm not sure if its so much that as that every day that goes by that I don't get served with divorce papers is one more day that God has given me to be Denver's wife. The way I see it, either there's something coming that is HUGE and 100% God-worked or He knows that I'm still not ready to go through it and so He's putting distractions in Denver's life to keep him from filing. Denver's not exactly the most quick-to-act guy out there, so the fact that he's been telling me for a year that he wants a divorce doesn't exactly say much. Wanting a divorce and actually filing for one are not the same thing. However small that chance is, it's still there. And given the fact that I still love my husband and have strong desire to honor my vows to him, that's the chance I'm looking at. That being said, let's talk about some blessings and awesome God activity in my life, shall we?

Have I told you lately that I love you? No? Well, my bad. I have the greatest people in my life. Seriously. God really pulled out all the stops when He gave me friends. Some people have quantity. Other people have quality. A truly blessed few like me have both. Its kind of ridiculous sometimes how amazing y'all are. The way you love me, support me, entertain me, and understand me blows my mind. Thanks for that.

Last night at Alpha, the topic was prayer. I love love love the speaker. Her daughter is one of my Sunday school kiddos, and their family is just precious. She spoke about the basis of prayer being faith. "Without faith, we're just talkin' to ourselves!" Because I have FAITH, I know that my prayers are heard by the Creator of the stinkin' universe. YES. She also spoke about how there's power in persistence and numbers. That's so true. And that is why I thank y'all so so much for all the prayers you've prayed for us. She also spoke about how the answer to a lot of prayers is "Wait." Y'all, that was a HUGE affirmation for me. I mean, she illustrated about how sometimes it takes time to get to where God wants your heart in prayer by talking about Jesus in the garden begging God to change things if there was another way before He finally came to terms with God's will. I've thought many many times that the answer to my prayers about reconciliation and healing was no. But God faithfully nudged me back to "WAIT." Getting that reminder wrapped in a package of "grow your faith and pray without ceasing" was a perfectly timed moment for me. He knows when I need reminders and when I need a little extra fuel for a fight ahead. Today was set to be a battle, and my Lord strengthened me for it. HE IS SO COOL!!

One of the big questions that almost every seeker and/or non-believer ask of Christians is some variation of, "If God loves you, why does He let bad things happen to good people?" Well, the answer is a lot more simple than they think. Its for one or all of the following: to take us away from a bad situation or behavior, to teach us something and help us grow, or to prepare us to help someone else through a similar situation. Scripture tells us that all things work together for the glory of the Lord, so it makes perfect sense. It's become more and more clear to me since I've been down in Katy that God has plans bigger than me for my being here, that there are things He has intended for me through this. Last Spring, I read The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. He discussed this "why do bad things happen" topic at great length. The part about it preparing us to help someone else through a similar situation really spoke to my heart. I never ever in a million years would have guessed that God would have planned for me to use my situation this soon. I'm still going through it! However, His timing and wisdom are perfect. I am getting to know 2 amazing women who are facing similar trials to my own but they do not have the advantage I do of knowing the Lord intimately. I may have mentioned them before, that they are from my Alpha group, and I already know that I love them deeply. They are amazing and special and have beautiful hearts. I'm honored to share my faith and my struggle with them, and I'm blessed beyond belief by my Jesus.

So yea. Today could have so very easily turned into a disgusting pity party. Instead, God gave me some awesome love and blessings and rocked my world.

the path of Life

So, first of all, I have gained a new respect for Marlee Matlin. I either have a fierce middle ear infection or have ruptured my ear drum. Maybe both. Either way, it hurts like what, and I can't really hear out of my left ear. I'm hoping to visit the doc on Wednesday, so some prayers for my earhole are always appreciated. :o)

Now for the legitimate portion of my post.

I might've mentioned this before, but I read two daily devotionals, one called 365 Medidations for Young Adults which I posted from the other day, and the other called Jesus Calling. Jesus Calling is set up as though Jesus is speaking to you, and it's basically Scripture turned into little love notes and encouragements from Jesus. The author cites the Scripture at the end. Anyhoo, today's was AMAZING for me.

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

Psalm 37:23-24; Psalm 23:2-3

Um, hello? AMAZING? Yes. It basically just hit on everything I feel. The journey IS arduous, and I AM weak. My walk IS heavy. The path IS difficult. I feel like my life is not awesome right now, because of all the mess. I mean, I'm on the verge of being most of the things I swore I never would be (including living back in Katy), and it's basically a construction site around here for me (dull scenery, for real). I'm trying to cling to the things I know to be true, because they are Biblical. God's view on marriage, on family, on service to the church, etc. I'm trying to make my life match what the Bible says it should look like.

I know I'm on the right path, because I had a conversation with Denver tonight and didn't go darting for my Ativan. I felt secure and like God was clicking the keys, not me. We were discussing what all I would be taking next week when I go up there to move out. I am RIDICULOUSLY proud of myself. I told him that I'm not trying to burn bridges, that I'm still completely in love with him, and because of those things, I had no intention of taking everything and deliberately screwing him over. He thanked me and told me he appreciated that. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still taking most of it. As much as I'm still in love and want to rebuild a home with him, I'm not retarded. Ever since he told me (on facebook chat, remember?) that I don't listen to his wants and feelings, I'm still firm in my position (which is that I love him and want to be with him) but I'm trying to be more flexible about things. Well, the move out I don't really have a choice about, since he's moving out of our apartment, regardless of whether or not I come and get my things. He was just going to pack it all up and basically store it for me. I could've been a jerk about it, though, and moved my family in there for a few days to pack it up and just make him miserable. Instead, he'll be out of town while we do it. In any event, I'm just hopeful that if I keep praying for him, building my life and following Christ, and not making it a battle of he wants out and I refuse, God can work there and salvage this.

Despite his downward spiral these days, I am still head over heels for that man. I'm kind of compartmentalizing it these days, into "True Denver" and "Trainwreck Denver". That may not be the best idea, but it's the best I can do. For better or for worse, remember? I'm really solid on that part.

In the mean time, I've applied for a few jobs, had exciting conversations about moving with Kevin, and am totally fired up about teaching Sunday school. Those little kids are gonna bless me out of my mind, and I'm ready for it.

My myspace profile song is currently If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Its appropriate. Give it a listen. It's totally a hug from Jesus.

All I need is a miracle...

If anyone has a few days in July (not weekends, thanks to my job) and can go to Dallas and help me put my life in boxes and help me cry, I'd appreciate it.

In one of the most immature moves of our lifetime, Denver chose facebook chat as his means of communication to tell me that I don't care about his needs and wants, he absolutely just does not want to be married and "ITS OVER."

That was followed with a severe panic attack, hysertical crying, and poor mom and Katy trying desperately to calm me down enough to take a double dose of my anti-anxiety pills. Once they kicked in, I took 4 ambien, told God how mad I am at Him, and fell asleep.

"Did it really happen?" *Miranda nods* Maybe one of the girls will crap her pants at the river this weekend and that'll help me feel a little better.

A huge portion of me has just died. We were cleaved together as 1 flesh. And that flesh has been butchered.

Where is my happy ending?

(this is a long one)

First of all, I'm pretty amazed at the first comments I got. I didn't really expect anyone to read this (well, other than my SIL because I read hers and she's like that) and I was blown away. I've been pretty quiet about what's been going on because, well, it's painful and embarassing. No one wants to feel rejected or like a failure, so it's not something that you want people to know. God is good, all the time, and I have to admit that reading those comments totally teared me up. He is my rock, but He's put amazing people in my life to give me more tangible support. It helps so so so much.


So here's what was swimming around me when I initially felt like it was time to start a blog.

To set this up, the love story. I met D in the most unromantic way possible, about 4 years ago. I drunk dialed him. That's right. Drunk dial. He had become friends with a good friend of mine via a summer internship in Pensacola (the friend was the intern, D was an employee at the radio station). After the first phone call, we talked and IMed every day for a month before we met in person. We were both hooked from the first minute. 4 months later, we were engaged, 5 months later, he had moved from Pensacola and into my house in Austin. A year and a half after our initial meeting, we were married. Pretty whirlwind, but perfect. He came from a very non-religious home of technically Jewish people, and I came from a background of being, well, a Bible Thumper. I'd loosened up some, but my faith has always been very deep. A few months before we got married, God seemed to give me His final blessing and assurance that D was in fact The One (my meant to be, the one He had created me for and vice versa) in the form of D deciding to accept Jesus as his personal lord and savior. It was one of the best moments of my life.

We've been through ups and downs, and D's struggled with the idea of marriage off and on since before we were married. At the end of the day, our love for each other has been enough to push down his doubts and keep our marriage together. It's not a fairy tale, and there's a reason you say "For better or for worse" in your vows. Since we've been together, we've been through A LOT. We've been through hurricanes, moving cities, deaths, surgeries, job changes, and a slew of other trials. But like I said, "for better or for worse."

In January, my whole world started to fall apart. I lost my job, Denver's sister moved in with us (she took a semester off of college to do an internship in Dallas), and things were getting a little tense. We had a huge fight one night in mid-February, and last thread holding the bottom in snapped and it completely fell out. D announced that he was miserable and couldn't do it anymore. He wanted to not be married anymore. Oh, and he was now an atheiest. So on February 13th, I packed up some stuff and came back to my parents' house in Katy, totally expecting to move back in 6 weeks, tops.

It's been 4 months, 4 visits, and 3 sessions of couples' counseling and, well, my prayers feel unanswered. Every time I've felt like it was time to give up and move on, God has filled me and told me not to. Sometimes, its through scripture. Sometimes, it's a song on the radio. Sometimes, it's in a book I'm reading at the time ("When He Doesn't Believe" by Nancy Kennedy is AMAZING). And then still other times, it's been in the sermon on Sunday. My hope is firmly planted in God. Things felt like maybe they were starting to look up. We've been talking a lot more, and when we see each other, we're affectionate. Being with him feels so natural and so right.

Unfortunately, it got worse. In one of the absolutely most painful moments of my life, I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. I felt like the visits had been going well, and obviously we were still behaving as man and wife, and so when the first signs of a pregnancy showed up, I was terrified but ridiculously excited. I'd just gotten the best lab results ever from my endocrinologist, and I've had baby fever for years, so this was amazing to me, despite the horrible timing. But the excitement was short lived when it turned to excruciating physical pain and the deepest sadness you can imagine. I got to go through it totally by myself.

5 days after I miscarried, D came down for a counseling session. I had a bad feeling about it, but I tried to write it off as just my hormones being messed up and the pain of the week. I was totally right to have that bad feeling. D had come prepared to lay down the law, that he was done, he didn't want this anymore, and he didn't even want to have the same address as me any more. That's a hard blow, and even harder on top of the first big loss of the week (which he was unaware of until after he dropped his bomb). I'm pretty numb.

So that leads me to the part that really pushed me into a blog. In church yesterday, the pastor took some time in the sermon to address the "divorce epidemic" that's going on right now. I love that I've felt very prayed for and supported by this church (which just happens to be the one I got married in), as well as the fact that almost every week there's a community prayer for strength in marriages, especially marriages that are hurting. This time was different. This time is was like a horrible stab to my heart. He began talking about the divorce epidemic and how easy it seems to be for people in today's world to just disregard their vows. He chastized spouses who want to leave and told them to just stop it. I have to hope that his words convicted at least one, because they broke me. What about the one who's being left? I'm clinging to my vows desperately, praying unceasingly for God to make this right, for the opportunity to continue to honor Him by honoring my husband. But divorce is still a sin as far as I'm concerned (yes, I've read the scriptures where it's acceptable in God's eyes, but I'm not really convinced we fit into any of those situations) and ending our marriage just doesn't feel right.

I've watched God faithfully provide for my loved ones. I've watched Him answer prayer after prayer. And mine go unanswered. It doesn't hurt my faith, because I can obviously see God working around me. But I start to feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm asking the wrong questions, like I'm not faithful enough, that I'm somehow just not ENOUGH for God to complete the good work He began here.

"Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth and you shall not remember the reproach of your widowhood any more. For your Maker is your Husband - the Lord of hosts is His name - and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called. For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit, and heartsore - even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when she is [later] refused and scorned, says your God. For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion and mercy I will gather you [to Me] again. In a little burst of wrath I hid my face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer. For this is like the days of Noah to me; as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you or rebuke you. For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall my covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:4-10

I'm not convinced that His face isn't still hiding from me right now.