I'm kind of a mess today.

So, I had planned on posting a big beautiful blog about Cody and Michelle's wedding, complete with pictures, but that'll have to wait (and not just because everyone's taking forever to get their pictures up on facebook and I was an idiot and forgot to bring my own camera). I will say this much: Ross, you rock my world and thanks for being there to hold me when I cried. And thanks for loving him, too, and understanding what I miss so much.

There's not going to be a whole lot of organization to this post, because I'm sick (I have a sinus infection and I'm peeling which itches like crazy), and my heart is kind of all over the place, too.

I've been getting things planned for my trip up to Dallas to separate our things and move my things and the girls (Lucie and Tilly) out for good. I HATE moving. Like, I don't like moving from apartment to apartment, much less city to city, so this is EXCRUCIATING for me. He told me when he first told me he wanted a divorce that I could have whatever I wanted, and I've been having a hard time sleeping because I've been going through all of our things in my head and figuring out what to do with what. Over the past few months, I've gotten pretty good at praying instead of medicating when I start to have panic attacks. But with this, my anxiety pills and Ambien can't even make it stop some nights.

When we first moved to Dallas 2 years ago, and we were unpacking, I felt so peaceful and happy when I was organizing our things, blending our collections together. When I alphabetized the DVD collection (yes, I actually do that), I remember saying, "I'm so glad we'll never have to remember which were mine and which were yours." It's just another one of those cruel moments that sting now. Also on the list, when I announced that I was a first timer during our ceremony (for the laughs, because I tried to put his ring on the wrong finger) and the minister said, "And if I have my way, only timer." Its not really that funny right now.

He gave me the silent treatment for over a week. When I had my horrible breakdown, that was the last time he communicated with me in any way, shape, or form. He ignored every text I sent him, from the sentimental (I texted him during the reception, because Travis - the best man - hit the nail on the head during his speech. He said that true love is all about finding someone who embraces the big dork in you. I summerized it for him, and told him that I love him.) to the silly (He's addicted to Battlestar Galactica and we both like Burn Notice. I texted him asking if he was so super excited that one of the BSG girls is moving to Burn Notice when the show ends this season), he remained silent. He finally broke the silence on Saturday. It wasn't anything of note, just a few texts about Marley & Me, which he inititated. To me, though, it was so much more. I praised God over and over for that tiny gesture.

The Bible study I've joined is for women in "extra grace required" marriages. Most of them are older than me. Heck, some have been married longer than I've been alive. Some of them women have been divorced. Several have been (or currently are) separated from their husbands, or have filed for divorce. There is A LOT of pain in that room. Its hard to be a Christian woman in a painful marriage. You want to honor God and honor your husband, but you're still human and so is he. When your husband is not actively seeking a relationship with Christ, it makes things just that much harder. The 6 week study we're doing is called "Restore My Heart" and so far, it's really amazing. It's outlining how God chose us to be the bride of Christ, and all the ways that we are perfect and wonderful to Him. When you feel rejected and hurt by the person who should love you the most, sometimes its hard to let God's love fill you that completely. I'm working on it.

He's such a mess right now. It seems like for every good decision I make right now, he's making at least that many bad ones. I think he knows it. And he'll tell you that he still loves me ("just not the same way as he did when we got married") so in his weird way, he thinks he's doing me a favor by pushing me out of his life. I miss who he was, when we laughed together, played together, cried together (Marley & Me, it's a tear jerker for reals), cooked together, cuddled, etc. It would be so much easier if every time he hurt me, it made me love him less. I think he thinks it should work like that, too. I really just miss my best friend.

This entry feels totally disjointed and like there wasn't a real point to it. Sorry for that. I mostly just wanted to get some of these things out, hoping that maybe I'll get some sleep tonight.