If I see one more lemon...

I'm not sure what's been worse about this pregnancy, the feeling sick all the time or the lemons that life has been incessantly pelting us with. I get that there's always going to be trials in life, but its just overwhelming when you aren't quite done with one battle and another one starts. Its basically a never ending list of bad days that have really tainted my pregnancy with a ton of terrible memories. I turn 30 this fall, and honestly? I'm pretty ready to say "good riddance!" to my 20's.

The custody battle with the kids hasn't ended quietly (she tried to disregard the orders again the 1st night we got a visit and our amazing lawyer had to put the fear of God into her.). I would be SHOCKED if she didn't keep pulling her crazy antics, since she's been pulling them with increasing malice and crazy as long as Sheldon and I have been together, but at least we've seen their beautiful faces again, and that was so great for our souls.



The most recent lemons we've been pelted with have been materialistic and financial. We currently don't have any cars. We've been getting by with just one for over a month since Sheldon's died, but then mine died, too, when we were 15 minutes away from the kids' school. We were going to surprise them with lunch and see them for the 1st time in 2 months. Needless to say, that sucked. My parents have been extremely graciously letting Sheldon drive my mom's Explorer and giving me rides to work. Then yesterday, my mom's Explorer crapped out, too. Tonight, he took his mom's car to work and hopefully, my mom's car will be fixed tomorrow and my dad can get back to work fixing Sheldon's. On top of that, we're waiting on tax money (which will be decreased thanks to my stupid student loans) to purchase a mini van. With about 5 weeks left, we're getting down to the wire and I'm getting pretty nervous about the situation. But God has never let us down before, so we have no reason NOT to trust His provision at this point.

Speaking of 5 weeks to go... I have a big baby growin' in my ever expanding belly! At30 weeks exactly, he was estimated at 3lbs 9oz in his ultrasound. They didn't estimate it on Wednesday (31w2d) at our weekly scan because they only do it every other week. But my doctor is pleased as punch with the way everything's going. I've gained 4 pounds total now (which I'm amazed at, especially considering how huge I'm feeling), my blood pressure is on the high side of normal, but he wasn't concerned (which I was also pretty amazed about), and everyone keeps gushing about how perfect Eli is. I mean everyone. The ultrasound tech, the nurse, my OB, etc. Its the best feeling ever. Thursday (31w3d), I went to see the high risk OB. I was a little bit nervous about it (and Sheldon went in with his feathers already ruffled) because we'd heard horror stories about how mean they get, how they were going to lecture me about my blood sugars (which aren't glorious these days...), tell me I wasn't doing things right, etc. It was a pleasant surprise. Yes, he told me my a1c and blood sugars are too high, but he just said it once and moved on, content that I'm seeing my endocrinologist and that we're working on it. He did an extensive ultrasound and did estimate the weight. We were expecting somewhere around 4 and a half pounds. Imagine our surprise when he said, "5lbs 2oz." BIG BOY!!! Thankfully, that's not excessively large, just puts him in the 80th percentile. He also used the word perfect to describe Eli, which keeps this mommy calm. He wants to check me again at 36 weeks (especially since my OB is planning on a 37 week induction) so he can consult on the healthiest delivery options for the baby. He said that if it looks like Eli's going to be 9lbs or more, he's advising for a c-section. He told us that babies over 9lbs run a higher risk of shoulder dislocation, so C's are easiest on big babies. Honestly? I don't care either way. I never have. When I was 19 and first diagnosed with diabetes, I started having doctors tell me I'd be delivering via C-section if I was able to have children (so really, be pregnant much less having a perfect baby is apparently miraculous). My mom had C's with my brother and me, and that also put me at a higher likelihood for having one. I don't have, and never have had, a romantic vision of vaginal delivery. I've never wanted a natural, pain-med-free delivery, so that didn't give me some evil idea about c-sections being the easy way out, against the way God intended babies to be born. I thank God for medical developments! I want to give birth the way that's going to put the least amount of stress on me and my baby. So my birth plan is to go in, have the OB's tell me which way they think is best and why (my doctor is AMAZING at giving us his reasons for stuff, which we have very much appreciated) and go from there. No stubborn clinging to a romanticized vision that I've turned into my birth plan. Nope. I'm gonna cry and bleed and end up with a beautiful baby with massive cheeks in my arms either way.

My last day at work will be April 1st, and I will spend the 3 weeks between then and Eli's arrival nesting like a fiend. Lately, every time I've woken up with the nesting urge, I have to work and come home just drained. I'm there for 3 hours and feel wasted afterwards. Its a combination of not having a tremendous amount of energy as it is and the raging stupidity and ridiculousness I deal with there just draining me. I can't WAIT.

3rd trimester - bazinga!

Things are still not great with the situation with the big kids. We still haven't seen or spoken to them since the 1st week of January. When we got custody back, his ex-wife hid them from us. She went so far as to claim they had an appointment and pull them out of school to keep us from having lunch with them. God will prevail, but in the mean time, continued prayers are appreciated.

Now for the extreme joy in our lives... our new little miracle. Last week, I started having bio-physical fetal surveillance. This is conducted primarily through ultrasound. There's 8 things they're checking, including to estimate his weight (2lbs. 4oz.!!), check his heart rate (148 bpm), his movements, my fluid level, etc. He scored a perfect 8/8 last week. Unfortunately, my blood sugars have been a little wonky and my blood pressure was slightly elevated, so he scheduled me to come back this week for another round. My blood pressure was perfect today (which I told him it would be. Last week, the nurse was talking to me and arguing about my due date while she was taking it. Obviously that's going to make it rise.), I actually have gained weight (3 whole pounds... whoa.), and Baby Boy scored another perfect 8/8 on his BPFP. His weight is now up to 2 lbs 10 oz, his heart rate was 143, and he officially loves the ultrasounds as much as we do now. Up until 20 weeks, he was not the most cooperative baby. But now... oh what a change! The tech was doing his scan today and she got really excited because the images were so clear. She asked us if we were planning to have the 3D/4D scan done. We told her we weren't(mostly because I think they tend to look really creepy, and plus they're expensive.), and she goes, "Oh I just can't resist!" and flipped to the 4D view. OMG. He's beautiful. He was making squishy faces, but it's still very obvious that he looks like his daddy.





That's his elbow next to his cheek, by the way. He was lounging with his arm like that last week, too. I don't blame him... I lay like that, too. In 9 weeks, I will be able to kiss that squishy face. I'm PUMPED. In the mean time, I'm seeing the ob weekly. We changed everything on my insulin pump at my endocrinologist's office today. "You're in the 3rd trimester. Insulin use doubles or triples during this. We just have to be aggressive."

I feel like I've been pregnant forever. I wonder if it'll be weird when it's finally over, when I can lift things again, when my belly doesn't shake because the occupant is moving, when I'm not having a preggo party anymore. Is that part of why some women get post partum depression so severely? Is it like women who get really depressed after their wedding because they'd been so obsessed and engrossed with the planning and in defining themselves as "brides-to-be". I hope not. I'll find out in 2months. It's gonna flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy by, I just know it.

the blog post I have always wanted to write

I've been pretty busy lately, and it's a task I'll be pretty busy with for a while longer. I'm helping to create something. Its a "project" we've been working on for almost 3 months now. Let me show you some pictures of this amazing work in progress...




















That's right. We're expecting a little miracle in May. We had nooooo idea we'd get pregnant again so fast after losing the baby in July. I'm sad to say that I didn't feel the same overwhelming excitement this time around that we felt last time, but I know its because I was so scared to feel the disappointment I felt. But since the worry has left, I'm there now.

We've already been through some trials with this pregnancy, including my 3 day hospital stay at 6 weeks (Nothing serious: just getting some meds tweaked in a controlled environment.). My doctor is very aggressive and has been amazing in helping us do everything we can to give this baby the best possible chance. We were so blessed to have weekly ultrasounds for most of the first trimester - 5 total. It was incredibly bittersweet when my doctor told me we didn't need them anymore. Horns up: your baby is doing fantastic! Horns down: you don't get to see Baby grow and change every week. Watching how much things change in a week is nothing short of mind blowing! And you better believe that I cried the first time I watched that precious little heart beat!! My doctor isn't at all worried about another miscarriage and has shifted his focus to all the risks I'm facing down the road. There's no guarantee that I will have any of those complications, but we went into this knowing I was high risk, so better safe than sorry. The only guarantee he's given us is that I will delivery before 40 weeks, so that's cool. We'd love to have the baby on Earth Day... hahaha get it? the Green Baby born on Earth Day!

To answer some of the most common questions...

1. "How are you feeling?" Pretty terrible, actually. I've been throwing up since before I had a positive pregnancy test. (which means we went and bought a bunch of tests at the dollar store and my morning ritual became to test. I made the decision that I would keep testing until I either got a positive or stopped throwing up). This method does make the positive a little anticlimactic, fyi. But its better than just throwing up for no reason. Anyway, I've had like 5 positives (I wanted to be really sure at home, and then they also test at the OB's office), and I haven't stopped throwing up. I'm hoping that we're almost done with this part, but I have some friends who were sick until their third trimester or their entire pregnancy. I also have terrible heartburn and lots of the physical aches and pains. I've actually been losing weight (which my doctor is fine with this early, plus they don't want me to gain much anyway) As crappy as I feel, its totally worth it. I'm in love with this little sea monkey.

2. "Boy or girl?" Obviously, we don't know yet. We'll find out in December. And oh yes, we are totally finding out. Its driving me nuts not knowing! I have no idea how people can stand not knowing! As for what I hope it is, I honestly don't care. I always thought I wanted a girl, but now that it's a reality, I don't care. I mean, I would really enjoy having my own little doll to put in tutus and precious little girl outfits, but boys are fun, too. Sheldon is convinced we're having a boy, but he assures me he'll be happy either way.

3. "How do the kids feel about it?" They're SUPER excited. Cherie loves being a big sister so much as it is, and having another sibling is heaven to her. Owen's excited, too, but he's 5 so it's a different excitement. I think he might still be a little confused about what happened to the last baby, because he's not as excited as last time. Last time, he would talk to my belly and always pray for the baby. And then again, maybe he's just not as excited because of his other underlying issues right now. But he is excited.

So yea, there it is. I'm thrilled and just know the next 20 something weeks will absolutely DRAG. I already feel like I've been pregnant forever and we're not quite 1/3 of the way through the process!

joy and pain

So, July has been more of a roller coaster than I ever could have imagined. I have felt the happiest I've ever felt in my life and then turned around and felt absolutely destroyed. Everything can change in an instant.

On July 2nd, Clear Blue Easy changed our lives when the little plus sign appeared. I would love to say that I shared that with Sheldon in some adorable loving way. Nope. I ran into our room and started shaking him going, "SheldonI'mpregnant!" over and over, until he finally woke up. I wanted to scream and cry and shake all at the same time. Excited doesn't even begin to cover how we felt.

I was sick to my stomach our entire trip to the beach, and the actual puking started Sunday evening. I kept being reminded that being sick is a good thing when you're pregnant. I puked and tried to sleep every spare minute for a week. And was over the moon about the little person growing inside me.

Then the ride sped up. On the 11th, we spent 4 hours at the er because I started to spot. The bleeding stopped, my hormone levels were fine, but the ultrasounds showed nothing. Literally. Nothing. That's not uncommon at 6 weeks, so they told me to follow up with my ob. We went to the ob the next day. My pelvic exam was normal, so they did some blood work to check my hormone levels. I started feeling better about the situation and let my excitement come flooding back. Tuesday the ride dropped again. My nurse left a voicemail saying my hormone levels were lower and for me to come have blood work done again. My excitement vanished. Wednesday morning, I called to get the details. She had nothing good to tell me. By lunchtime, I was full on bleeding and the physical pain had rolled in. We spent 7 hours in the hospital to leave with a prescription for vicodin and paperwork with the worst word ever as the diagnosis: miscarriage.

I've been very blessed with incredibly supportive friends and family. I don't understand why I seem to be so unable to stay pregnant. I don't understand why God took this pregnancy away from us. All I know is that He has a plan bigger than me, Sheldon, or a baby. We'll just have to try again and when the time is right, that pregnancy will make it.